Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

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Vol 48 Issue 13

Cupcake Truce

Food 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST Years of devastation come to an end as mediators negotiate a treaty between Melinda Scott of Twinkle Cupcakes and Jessica Hammerman of Sprinkles.

Apartment Returns To Pre-Houseguest Level Of Tension

COLUMBUS, OH—With the Sunday afternoon departure of friends visiting from Chicago for the weekend, the apartment of Gary and Felicia Mylan ceased being a warm, open household and returned to its normal atmosphere of icy resentment.

Media Manipulations, Falsehoods, And The Greater Truth

Recently, the most downloaded episode of This American Life—featuring Mike Daisey's monologue The Agony And The Ecstasy Of Steve Jobs—and a viral video about Africanchild soldiers called Kony 2012 have fallen under fire for failing to prov...
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Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Number Of Songs GOP Candidates Can Use Down To 4

WASHINGTON—Republican strategists confirmed Friday there are now only four songs in the entirety of recorded music that GOP candidates are legally permitted to use. "Currently, the only artists who have not issued court injunctions against Republicans for playing a song on the campaign trail are Kid Rock and Barry Manilow," said John Brabender, a senior strategist for Rick Santorum, adding that he "wouldn't be surprised" if Manilow's lawyer already has a cease-and-desist letter in the mail concerning use of "Ready To Take A Chance Again." "The only options left are in the public domain. So it's looking more and more likely that the Santorum campaign will make 'Turkey In The Straw' the official anthem of its White House run." According to sources, Mitt Romney took the stage during a Wisconsin campaign event Thursday with "Jimmy Crack Corn" blaring from gymnasium speakers.

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