adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
End Of Section
  • More News

Nurse Being Treated For Ebola Impressed With Health Workers’ New Gear

DALLAS—Admiring the personal protective equipment shielding her caregivers from the deadly virus, a nurse receiving treatment for Ebola told reporters Monday that she was very impressed with the medical workers’ newly issued biohazard gear. “Wow, I only had the flimsy gown that exposed several inches around my neck, but this guy’s decked out in a really nice full-body suit that covers everything,” said the infected nurse, who was particularly taken by the updated gear’s sealed hood, large apron, rubber boots, and second pair of surgical gloves, which are now recommended by the CDC for all hospital staffers treating patients exposed to the disease. “Sure, the surgical mask I had seemed great at the time, but the brand-new breathing pack and air filtration system my nurse was using really take the cake. It’s cool to be one of the first people to see this high-tech equipment.” The nurse confirmed she was most impressed with the new protocols for removing the biohazard gear, which reportedly involved more than tossing the protective clothing in the hospital’s laundry bin.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close