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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Nurse To Grab Lunch Right After She Finishes Draining Bile From Man’s Liver

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Saying that she could go for Thai or maybe Mexican, nurse Rhonda Merritt reportedly told colleagues at Martha Jefferson Hospital today that she plans to grab lunch as soon as she finishes draining all the bile from an elderly patient’s infected liver. “Pad thai wouldn’t be bad, but I just had that a couple days ago, so maybe Chipotle?” the 42-year-old nurse said to her coworkers as she removed a catheter bag filled with green-brown liquid from her patient and then turned him on his side to sop up the discharge from a bedsore on his tailbone. “One of those carne asada burritos actually sounds pretty good right about now. Definitely with guac and sour cream. Man, I’m starving.” Adding that she didn’t have much time before she needed to suction out a few patients’ tracheostomy openings, Merritt then reportedly told colleagues that she might just have some chow mein delivered.

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