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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Nurse To Grab Lunch Right After She Finishes Draining Bile From Man’s Liver

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Saying that she could go for Thai or maybe Mexican, nurse Rhonda Merritt reportedly told colleagues at Martha Jefferson Hospital today that she plans to grab lunch as soon as she finishes draining all the bile from an elderly patient’s infected liver. “Pad thai wouldn’t be bad, but I just had that a couple days ago, so maybe Chipotle?” the 42-year-old nurse said to her coworkers as she removed a catheter bag filled with green-brown liquid from her patient and then turned him on his side to sop up the discharge from a bedsore on his tailbone. “One of those carne asada burritos actually sounds pretty good right about now. Definitely with guac and sour cream. Man, I’m starving.” Adding that she didn’t have much time before she needed to suction out a few patients’ tracheostomy openings, Merritt then reportedly told colleagues that she might just have some chow mein delivered.

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