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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Nurse To Grab Lunch Right After She Finishes Draining Bile From Man’s Liver

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Saying that she could go for Thai or maybe Mexican, nurse Rhonda Merritt reportedly told colleagues at Martha Jefferson Hospital today that she plans to grab lunch as soon as she finishes draining all the bile from an elderly patient’s infected liver. “Pad thai wouldn’t be bad, but I just had that a couple days ago, so maybe Chipotle?” the 42-year-old nurse said to her coworkers as she removed a catheter bag filled with green-brown liquid from her patient and then turned him on his side to sop up the discharge from a bedsore on his tailbone. “One of those carne asada burritos actually sounds pretty good right about now. Definitely with guac and sour cream. Man, I’m starving.” Adding that she didn’t have much time before she needed to suction out a few patients’ tracheostomy openings, Merritt then reportedly told colleagues that she might just have some chow mein delivered.

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