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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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NYC Officials Assure Public Most Puddles Of Bodily Fluid On Streets Not Contaminated With Ebola

NEW YORK—Hoping to downplay fears of a potential Ebola outbreak in New York City, health officials assured residents Friday that most puddles of bodily fluid found on the streets are not contaminated with the deadly Ebola virus. “I want to emphasize that the pools of vomit, urine, and other fluids people may notice as they walk around the city are very unlikely to be contaminated with Ebola,” said New York City health commissioner Dr. Mary Bassett, adding that such fluids, as well as occasional clumps of feces, were almost certainly not deposited onto the streets and sidewalks by an infected individual. “While we are confident that these substances are free of Ebola specifically, contact with them may pose other health hazards, so we encourage all New Yorkers to continue stepping over them as always. There is no reason for anyone to change their normal routine.” Bassett went on to say that any individual who displayed the symptoms indicative of Ebola should immediately refrain from discharging bodily fluids in public.

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