NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death

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Vol 35 Issue 16

Area Film Buff Wondering What Pauline Kael Would Say About Cookie's Fortune

DAYTON, OH—Sources reported Monday that Keith Kuenn, a 34-year-old Dayton film buff, is wondering what former New Yorker movie critic Pauline Kael would say about Cookie's Fortune. "Considering what a big Altman fan Pauline Kael is, I'd say she would find Cookie's Fortune to be a worthy entry in the director's oeuvre, a film whose rich emotional tapestry and eye for Southern detail more than make up for what it lacks in narrative thrust," Kuenn said. "Then again, as evidenced by her infamous panning of Alain Resnais' Hiroshima, Mon Amour, Kael always relished playing the role of devil's advocate, so perhaps she would deliberately go against the grain on this one." Kael could not be reached for comment.

Eggs Good For You This Week

BOSTON—According to a Northeastern University study released Monday, eggs—discovered last week by a University of California-Santa Cruz study to be unhealthy, raising serum cholesterol by as much as 20 percent—have beneficial effects on cardiovascular health this week. "Contrary to what was previously thought, consuming an egg a day can lower a person's blood pressure and increase the heart's efficiency for the next week," the Northeastern study stated. The report urged Americans to increase egg consumption immediately, as eggs may be unhealthy again as soon as next Monday.

Greenspan Just Repeating Detractors' Criticisms In High-Pitched Girly Voice

WASHINGTON, DC—Fed up after years of criticism, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is now just parroting the words of detractors in a high-pitched girly voice, it was reported Monday. "Oooh, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, Mr. Greenspan should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate," Greenspan said Monday, responding to a recent Barron's editorial arguing that, in light of the GNP's 5 percent growth in FY 1998-9, the 73-year-old Fed chief should be keeping a much closer eye on the prime rate.

So-Called 'Giant' Mouse Actually Baby Kangaroo

TACOMA, WA—An article in the latest issue of the journal Nature revealed that the fabled "Giant Mouse Of Tacoma" is actually a baby kangaroo. "An infant kangaroo, which likely either escaped from a wooden crate or was delivered by a comically intoxicated stork, infiltrated the local ecosystem, causing great embarrassment to area cats and their deeply traumatized, bag-wearing sons," the report stated. "In any event, no mouse of any size can balance on its tail while vigorously kicking an adult cat with its feet." A similar report suggested that the love interest of much-feared Parisian "Polecat de Pew" may actually be an ordinary housecat accidentally painted with a white stripe.

A Satisfactory Denouement

Last week, I described how, upon losing my stolen fortune in an ambush, I was kidnapped by the villainous Black Scarlet, who spirited me off to an abandoned granary to await the dispatchment of a great deal of ransom-money. I asked Black Scarlet if he would set me free upon receipt of the money. "Set you free? Never!" he exclaimed with a bitter laugh. "You shall for-ever remain my captive and be as free as those you have kept in shackles for so long!" Curse the cheeky scoundrel! I have never once kept any-one in shackles, excepting a few of my servants and the wife.

I Got A Birthday Coming Up!

Hola amigos. How does it hang? I know it's been a long time since I last rapped at ya, but I've been buried under a whole heap of shit. First off, I accidentally dropped my lighter down the drain of my sink a few weeks ago. As a result, I've been forced to light my weed off my electric stove, which is a major hassle. Plus, the lighter's been keeping a whole bunch of food and crap from going down the drain, so now my sink's all clogged. I tried to get the damn thing out with a coat hanger, but I can't quite get it.

Talking Tax Reform

Tax season was recently upon us once again, and with it came widespread calls for reform, including simpler forms and a more streamlined filing process. What do you think about making tax-filing less complicated?

I'm Totally Psyched About This Abortion!

I know, I know, I've heard all the arguments: Abortion stops a beating heart. It's a child, not a choice. Every life is precious. Well, I don't care what the pro-lifers say... I am totally psyched for this abortion!
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    WHITE PLAINS, NY—Stunned and visibly offended by the sheer volume of facial hair visible before them, every single customer at local diner Hubbard's this morning was reportedly eyeing 28-year-old fellow patron David Kellerman and mentally shaving of...

Entertainment

NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death

NEW YORK—New York City police commissioner Howard Safir issued a formal apology Monday for the accidental shooting-clubbing- stabbing-firebombing- choking-impaling- electrocution-lethal-injection death of a 38-year-old Jamaican immigrant in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn.

New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, flanked by police commissioner Howard Safir, fields reporters' questions about the accidental killing of a Jamaican immigrant by 27 NYPD officers.

Robert Livingston, who had emigrated from Kingston last July, was surrounded and killed by 27 police officers on April 20 while standing on the stairs in front of an apartment building reaching for what the officers thought was a gun. The object turned out to be a doorbell.

"We deeply regret that this terrible tragedy has happened," said Safir, reading an official NYPD statement at City Hall. "But I must stress that it was understandable given the circumstances. There was no way those officers could have known for certain that Mr. Livingston was not heavily armed and about to kill them."

According to NYPD sources, at approximately 11:30 a.m. on the day in question, a detachment of 12 officers observed Livingston, a delivery driver for a Chinese restaurant, standing at the entrance to an apartment building "acting in a suspicious and aggressive manner." After ignoring the officers' repeated commands to put down the threatening item in his hand, a bag containing a double order of General Chao's Chicken and a pint of rice, Livingston reached for the doorbell. The officers responded by opening fire on his strategic top-of-the-stairs position from point-blank range, discharging their standard-issue 9mm handguns 245 times and striking him with approximately 175 teflon-coated hollow-point slugs.

Defiantly ignoring the officers' orders to freeze, Livingston dropped to the floor and convulsed wildly, kicking and thrashing and hurling blood in all directions.

"It was an extremely dangerous, volatile situation," Brooklyn 26th Precinct Sgt. Raymond Sullivan said. "We were dealing with a man who was out of control and willing to do anything to stop us. It was clear that subduing him would necessitate extreme measures."

Livingston

After calling for backup, the officers threw 25 phosphorus grenades at the suspect and opened fire with 12-gauge riot shotguns, their vision aided by the illumination of Livingston's body, which was burning at roughly 1,500 degrees. Though most of Livingston's clothes had melted off, officers concentrated their fire on his remaining shoe, which they feared held a concealed weapon.

Once 15 extra officers and an NYPD armory van had arrived on the scene, Det. James McPhee took 10 men to the top of the stairs to engage Livingston in hand-to-hand-combat.

"Mr. Livingston attempted to resist, raising his remaining forearm and striking at the officers' weapons with his face, teeth, knees and genitals," McPhee told reporters. "Acting in accordance with standard police procedure, we countered by stabbing the suspect 59 times in the chest and throat."

Patrolman Edward Caggiano, who sustained a mild bruise when hit by a piece of Livingston's jaw in the melee, then grabbed the suspect's head and began standard-procedure neck-snapping.

According to the officers involved, Livingston's head then attempted to flee the scene by separating from his torso and proceeding down the front steps. "I shouted several times for the fleeing head to halt," Caggiano said. "But the more I yelled, the faster it seemed to roll. After every other option and tactic was exhausted, we were finally left with no choice but to subdue the head with rocket launchers."

Forensics experts said they hope to recover the several thousand missing fragments of the head by next week.

Shortly after 1 p.m., Livingston was finally brought under control when a second team of officers impaled his headless body on a sharpened oak pole. Once the body was skewered, members of the NYPD medical team were given clearance to move in and administer a lethal injection.

Speaking at a press conference Monday, New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani called for the immediate paid suspension of all 27 officers involved in the incident. He also urged Safir to keep the officers suspended "until they can be cleared of all wrongdoing following an extensive internal NYPD investigation that will conclude sometime Friday afternoon."

"And to the families of those officers involved," Giuliani said, "I would like to extend my deepest, most heartfelt apologies. Your loved ones went through a terrible trauma, and I want to assure you that the New York Police Department is doing everything in its power to help them put it behind them."

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