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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death

NEW YORK—New York City police commissioner Howard Safir issued a formal apology Monday for the accidental shooting-clubbing- stabbing-firebombing- choking-impaling- electrocution-lethal-injection death of a 38-year-old Jamaican immigrant in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn.

New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, flanked by police commissioner Howard Safir, fields reporters' questions about the accidental killing of a Jamaican immigrant by 27 NYPD officers.

Robert Livingston, who had emigrated from Kingston last July, was surrounded and killed by 27 police officers on April 20 while standing on the stairs in front of an apartment building reaching for what the officers thought was a gun. The object turned out to be a doorbell.

"We deeply regret that this terrible tragedy has happened," said Safir, reading an official NYPD statement at City Hall. "But I must stress that it was understandable given the circumstances. There was no way those officers could have known for certain that Mr. Livingston was not heavily armed and about to kill them."

According to NYPD sources, at approximately 11:30 a.m. on the day in question, a detachment of 12 officers observed Livingston, a delivery driver for a Chinese restaurant, standing at the entrance to an apartment building "acting in a suspicious and aggressive manner." After ignoring the officers' repeated commands to put down the threatening item in his hand, a bag containing a double order of General Chao's Chicken and a pint of rice, Livingston reached for the doorbell. The officers responded by opening fire on his strategic top-of-the-stairs position from point-blank range, discharging their standard-issue 9mm handguns 245 times and striking him with approximately 175 teflon-coated hollow-point slugs.

Defiantly ignoring the officers' orders to freeze, Livingston dropped to the floor and convulsed wildly, kicking and thrashing and hurling blood in all directions.

"It was an extremely dangerous, volatile situation," Brooklyn 26th Precinct Sgt. Raymond Sullivan said. "We were dealing with a man who was out of control and willing to do anything to stop us. It was clear that subduing him would necessitate extreme measures."

Livingston

After calling for backup, the officers threw 25 phosphorus grenades at the suspect and opened fire with 12-gauge riot shotguns, their vision aided by the illumination of Livingston's body, which was burning at roughly 1,500 degrees. Though most of Livingston's clothes had melted off, officers concentrated their fire on his remaining shoe, which they feared held a concealed weapon.

Once 15 extra officers and an NYPD armory van had arrived on the scene, Det. James McPhee took 10 men to the top of the stairs to engage Livingston in hand-to-hand-combat.

"Mr. Livingston attempted to resist, raising his remaining forearm and striking at the officers' weapons with his face, teeth, knees and genitals," McPhee told reporters. "Acting in accordance with standard police procedure, we countered by stabbing the suspect 59 times in the chest and throat."

Patrolman Edward Caggiano, who sustained a mild bruise when hit by a piece of Livingston's jaw in the melee, then grabbed the suspect's head and began standard-procedure neck-snapping.

According to the officers involved, Livingston's head then attempted to flee the scene by separating from his torso and proceeding down the front steps. "I shouted several times for the fleeing head to halt," Caggiano said. "But the more I yelled, the faster it seemed to roll. After every other option and tactic was exhausted, we were finally left with no choice but to subdue the head with rocket launchers."

Forensics experts said they hope to recover the several thousand missing fragments of the head by next week.

Shortly after 1 p.m., Livingston was finally brought under control when a second team of officers impaled his headless body on a sharpened oak pole. Once the body was skewered, members of the NYPD medical team were given clearance to move in and administer a lethal injection.

Speaking at a press conference Monday, New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani called for the immediate paid suspension of all 27 officers involved in the incident. He also urged Safir to keep the officers suspended "until they can be cleared of all wrongdoing following an extensive internal NYPD investigation that will conclude sometime Friday afternoon."

"And to the families of those officers involved," Giuliani said, "I would like to extend my deepest, most heartfelt apologies. Your loved ones went through a terrible trauma, and I want to assure you that the New York Police Department is doing everything in its power to help them put it behind them."

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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