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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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NYPD Lets Suspicious Man Go After Only Finding ‘Catcher In The Rye’ In Backpack

NEW YORK—Responding to several calls regarding a suspicious-looking individual lurking outside a Midtown office building, police released a man today after finding only a copy of J.D. Salinger’s 1951 novel The Catcher In The Rye in his backpack, sources report. “We had received complaints of an individual with a strange look in his eyes loitering near the building, but fortunately a search of the man’s backpack yielded nothing more than some old book,” said Officer Pete Silvani, referring to the man’s dog-eared copy of Salinger’s seminal work that reportedly contained hundreds of annotations, drawings, and frequent highlighting of the words “children” and “innocence.” “In light of this, we determined that he posed no threat to the public and, per his request, directed him to the nearest hardware store.” At press time, the suspicious man was seen rapidly approaching actor Greg Kinnear.

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