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Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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NYPD Lets Suspicious Man Go After Only Finding ‘Catcher In The Rye’ In Backpack

NEW YORK—Responding to several calls regarding a suspicious-looking individual lurking outside a Midtown office building, police released a man today after finding only a copy of J.D. Salinger’s 1951 novel The Catcher In The Rye in his backpack, sources report. “We had received complaints of an individual with a strange look in his eyes loitering near the building, but fortunately a search of the man’s backpack yielded nothing more than some old book,” said Officer Pete Silvani, referring to the man’s dog-eared copy of Salinger’s seminal work that reportedly contained hundreds of annotations, drawings, and frequent highlighting of the words “children” and “innocence.” “In light of this, we determined that he posed no threat to the public and, per his request, directed him to the nearest hardware store.” At press time, the suspicious man was seen rapidly approaching actor Greg Kinnear.

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