NYPD Offering No-Questions-Asked DVD Drop-Off

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Vol 50 Issue 22

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu

After testing out a new menu item called the quesarito in Oklahoma City to much success, Taco Bell has decided to add the new creation, a beef burrito tucked inside a cheese quesadilla, to its official menu.

Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah.
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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

NYPD Offering No-Questions-Asked DVD Drop-Off

NEW YORK—Determined to reduce their devastating impact on the local community, the NYPD announced a new amnesty program Wednesday permitting New Yorkers to dispose of their DVDs anonymously and without consequence. “Over the next week, any DVD—from teen horror flicks, to superhero sequels, to two-disc director’s cuts—can be taken to your local police precinct or any of the designated drop-off locations throughout the city, and we will take it off your hands, no questions asked,” Police Commissioner William Bratton told reporters, noting that in its first few hours, the department had already taken several hundred copies of The Lake House off the streets. “We don’t need to know how you got a copy of Wild Wild West, or how many times you’ve watched The Chronicles Of Riddick; just leave them with us and we’ll make sure no one ever uses them again.” The NYPD program comes on the heels of a successful buyback initiative in Philadelphia, which hasn’t reported a single incidence of Patch Adams since March.

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