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Obama Already Knows Who He’s Going To Tear Apart In Memoir

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

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Obama Already Knows Who He’s Going To Tear Apart In Memoir

WASHINGTON—With two and a half years remaining in his second term, President Obama told reporters Monday he can already say exactly whom he will rip to pieces in his eventual post-presidency memoir. “Oh man, [former Health and Human Services secretary Kathleen] Sebelius is going to get it first, and then I’ll just keep going right on down the line,” Obama confirmed, adding that he has already mentally prepared “a good 30 pages” on Joe Lieberman and has slated an entire chapter for Eric Cantor. “Then there’s Stanley McChrystal, Leon Panetta, Andrew Breitbart, Eric Shinseki, Anthony Kennedy, Edward Snowden, Tom Daschle, Aaron Sorkin, the Catholic Archdiocese of New York, Orly Taitz, Hamid Karzai, and Chelsea Manning. Damn, at this rate I might need two volumes.” Obama added that he also had a few choice words for the “asshole” who yells out “Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.”

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