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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Obama Already Knows Who He’s Going To Tear Apart In Memoir

WASHINGTON—With two and a half years remaining in his second term, President Obama told reporters Monday he can already say exactly whom he will rip to pieces in his eventual post-presidency memoir. “Oh man, [former Health and Human Services secretary Kathleen] Sebelius is going to get it first, and then I’ll just keep going right on down the line,” Obama confirmed, adding that he has already mentally prepared “a good 30 pages” on Joe Lieberman and has slated an entire chapter for Eric Cantor. “Then there’s Stanley McChrystal, Leon Panetta, Andrew Breitbart, Eric Shinseki, Anthony Kennedy, Edward Snowden, Tom Daschle, Aaron Sorkin, the Catholic Archdiocese of New York, Orly Taitz, Hamid Karzai, and Chelsea Manning. Damn, at this rate I might need two volumes.” Obama added that he also had a few choice words for the “asshole” who yells out “Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.”

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