Obama Already Knows Who He’s Going To Tear Apart In Memoir

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Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

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After testing out a new menu item called the quesarito in Oklahoma City to much success, Taco Bell has decided to add the new creation, a beef burrito tucked inside a cheese quesadilla, to its official menu.

Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah.
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Obama Already Knows Who He’s Going To Tear Apart In Memoir

WASHINGTON—With two and a half years remaining in his second term, President Obama told reporters Monday he can already say exactly whom he will rip to pieces in his eventual post-presidency memoir. “Oh man, [former Health and Human Services secretary Kathleen] Sebelius is going to get it first, and then I’ll just keep going right on down the line,” Obama confirmed, adding that he has already mentally prepared “a good 30 pages” on Joe Lieberman and has slated an entire chapter for Eric Cantor. “Then there’s Stanley McChrystal, Leon Panetta, Andrew Breitbart, Eric Shinseki, Anthony Kennedy, Edward Snowden, Tom Daschle, Aaron Sorkin, the Catholic Archdiocese of New York, Orly Taitz, Hamid Karzai, and Chelsea Manning. Damn, at this rate I might need two volumes.” Obama added that he also had a few choice words for the “asshole” who yells out “Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.”

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