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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Announces Plan To Store Nation’s Extra Stuff In Large Plastic Crate

WASHINGTON—Noting that the container would reduce clutter and help keep the country organized, President Obama announced a plan Tuesday to store the nation’s extra stuff in a large plastic crate. “I urge any American citizen who has too many things lying around their home to just give me the possessions they don’t need right now and I’ll keep them in this big plastic crate,” said Obama, calling on all 320 million Americans to send him any unused desk lamps, old sports equipment, or throw blankets that are taking up too much space or making a mess of their place. “I’ve already written ‘Nation’s Stuff’ on a piece of masking tape on the side of the crate, and I’ll keep it on a shelf in the White House basement, so you’ll know where your things are if you ever need them again. Also, the crate has a secure lid that will keep out moisture and protect your items from any water damage, so no need to worry about that.” Obama concluded his remarks by announcing a related plan to take any items the U.S. populace no longer wanted and put them into a large trash bag that he’ll drop off at Goodwill.

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