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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Announces We Are Invading Iran Right Now

WASHINGTON—Addressing the nation from the Oval Office this evening, President Barack Obama announced that a full-scale U.S. military invasion of the Islamic Republic of Iran is currently underway. “At this hour, we have deployed approximately 200,000 troops across the Iran-Iraq border as part of a multipronged military offensive against Iran,” said Obama, who confirmed the decision to invade was made unilaterally, without the explicit consent of any other world leaders. “To be clear: We are at war with the nation of Iran. On my orders, American forces have fully mobilized and begun striking selected targets with the aim of crippling Iranian nuclear infrastructure. These are the opening stages of what will be a long-term, protracted campaign.” Obama went on to dismiss the invasion’s impact on the presidential election, sternly reminding citizens that “we are in a time of war right now.”

Check back throughout the day for live updates from the Onion political team as it covers Election Day 2012.
 

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