adBlockCheck

Recent News

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Asks Staff To Try To Include National Security Adviser A Little More

'He's Having A Tough Time Fitting In,' Sympathetic Commander In Chief Says

National security adviser Donilon, who President Obama said is “having a tough time coming out of his shell.”
National security adviser Donilon, who President Obama said is “having a tough time coming out of his shell.”

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, President Obama gently urged his staff Monday to try to include national security adviser Thomas Donilon a little more in the operation of the U.S. government's executive branch, having observed the senior aide is still struggling to fit in.

Noting that Donilon is "a little shy, but really a very sweet guy once you get to know him," Obama reportedly mentioned that, aside from competently tackling his primary duties of producing extensive intelligence briefings on credible threats to the security of the nation, the timid 56-year-old doesn't seem to have gotten very involved with the administration since assuming office in October 2010.

"Most of you have met Tom or at least seen him around the White House this past year and a half, but I think it would be nice if we were all mindful of including him a bit more," Obama said during a meeting with top staffers after Donilon had left to use the restroom. "He spends most of the day by himself in his office putting together dossiers on the most dangerous terrorists on the planet, and then he just sort of goes home. So maybe you can invite him to come with you the next time you all go out to lunch, you know? I'm sure he'd love to tag along."

"Don't make it too obvious, though, because then he'll know I asked you," Obama continued. "Also, I don't want you guys to think he came and talked to me about feeling left out, because he didn't."

The president, who was reportedly adamant that West Wing officials not "make a big deal out of this," went on to say that while Donilon may initially seem a little socially awkward, the adviser has been "working really hard and doing a great job" with gathering critical intelligence and coordinating with the FBI on covert operations to take down extremist sleeper cells within the United States. The president added that Donilon "actually seems to know quite a bit about sports and movies if you give him a chance and really take the time to have a conversation with him."

Obama went on to suggest the rest of the administration perhaps invite the withdrawn national security adviser along for happy hour, incorporate him into any new White House projects that could use his expertise in making crucial decisions regarding the safety of millions of American lives, or maybe just pop by his desk every now and again for a quick, friendly hello.

"I'm not saying you have to be best friends or anything, but it's just that you guys are all so comfortable around each other, and I think Tom's a little intimidated," said the president, adding that newly appointed chief of staff Jack Lew should especially remember "that it's no fun to feel out of place." "I mean, what would be the harm in telling him how cool he is when he's debriefing the Situation Room during a time of national crisis? I’m sure he would really appreciate that."

Added Obama, "I don't think I can say it enough: Tom is a really great guy with a lot to offer."

At press time, it was reported that press secretary Jay Carney had approached Donilon to ask if he was interested in joining the White House softball team, setting the nervous adviser off on a one-sided discussion of recent aerial drone surveillance of al-Qaeda positions in Pakistan from which Carney was only able to politely excuse himself 25 minutes later.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close