Obama Blanks On What He's Ineffectually Urging Congress To Take Action On Now

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Vol 49 Issue 06

Tips For A Romantic Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is right around the corner. Here are some tips for putting together the perfect romantic evening with your loved one: Make his favorite home-cooked meal and leave a trail of it leading to the bed. If you forgot to buy her flowers, ...

Song Crafted In The Deepest Pit Of Hell Wins Big At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—A song forged by the Ruler of Darkness himself in the blackest bowels of the accursed underworld proved to be the big winner at the 55th Annual Grammy Awards Sunday, taking home an impressive six of the music industry’s top honors, including Song of the Year and Best Pop Solo Performance.

SeaWorld Unveils New 20 Whales Stuffed In Pool Show

A PR firm advises the United States to distance itself from Alabama, the FDA announces peanut butter contains traces of rat feces but life's weird like that sometimes, and a doomed rabbit teaches an 8-year-old about responsibility.
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Obama Blanks On What He's Ineffectually Urging Congress To Take Action On Now

WASHINGTON—While speaking to the White House press corps Wednesday, President Barack Obama is reported to have completely blanked on which issue he was ineffectually urging Congress to act on at the moment. “It is vitally important that our nation’s lawmakers do the job that they were elected to do, and make it a top priority to, uh, to…well, hmm,” said Obama, nervously tapping his fingers on the lectern as he frantically tried to recall whether he was making a wholly unproductive and effectively meaningless call for legislative action on global warming, gun control, immigration reform, budget compromise, or green energy. “It’s a, um, very important issue, I know that. Uh. Jeez.” After standing silently in front of the audience for several uncomfortable moments, Obama reportedly reprimanded Congress for its lack of cooperation and then walked out of the room.

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