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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Blanks On What He's Ineffectually Urging Congress To Take Action On Now

WASHINGTON—While speaking to the White House press corps Wednesday, President Barack Obama is reported to have completely blanked on which issue he was ineffectually urging Congress to act on at the moment. “It is vitally important that our nation’s lawmakers do the job that they were elected to do, and make it a top priority to, uh, to…well, hmm,” said Obama, nervously tapping his fingers on the lectern as he frantically tried to recall whether he was making a wholly unproductive and effectively meaningless call for legislative action on global warming, gun control, immigration reform, budget compromise, or green energy. “It’s a, um, very important issue, I know that. Uh. Jeez.” After standing silently in front of the audience for several uncomfortable moments, Obama reportedly reprimanded Congress for its lack of cooperation and then walked out of the room.

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