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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go

COLUMBUS, OH—Entering the final month before the general election, sources within the Obama campaign announced today their new strategy of focusing on voters in neighborhoods where Romney staffers are too scared to go. “We’ve already pinpointed several low-income, primarily black and Hispanic neighborhoods that the Romney team has avoided at all costs,” said local Obama 2012 volunteer Jacob Fitzsimmons, describing efforts to get the president’s message out in high-crime, inner-city areas that most of Romney’s canvassers won’t even drive through. “Romney staffers that do travel to these areas are typically ineffective because they roll up their windows, lock their car doors, and get nervous when stopping at intersections. Additionally, we believe we can make tremendous strides in neighborhoods where Romney campaign volunteers are willing to go, but never past 6 p.m.” Members of the Romney camp countered this afternoon by saying they planned to redouble their efforts in gated suburban communities that would never allow Obama supporters to enter, let alone knock on doors.

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