adBlockCheck

Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go

Top Headlines

Politics

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go

COLUMBUS, OH—Entering the final month before the general election, sources within the Obama campaign announced today their new strategy of focusing on voters in neighborhoods where Romney staffers are too scared to go. “We’ve already pinpointed several low-income, primarily black and Hispanic neighborhoods that the Romney team has avoided at all costs,” said local Obama 2012 volunteer Jacob Fitzsimmons, describing efforts to get the president’s message out in high-crime, inner-city areas that most of Romney’s canvassers won’t even drive through. “Romney staffers that do travel to these areas are typically ineffective because they roll up their windows, lock their car doors, and get nervous when stopping at intersections. Additionally, we believe we can make tremendous strides in neighborhoods where Romney campaign volunteers are willing to go, but never past 6 p.m.” Members of the Romney camp countered this afternoon by saying they planned to redouble their efforts in gated suburban communities that would never allow Obama supporters to enter, let alone knock on doors.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close