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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go

COLUMBUS, OH—Entering the final month before the general election, sources within the Obama campaign announced today their new strategy of focusing on voters in neighborhoods where Romney staffers are too scared to go. “We’ve already pinpointed several low-income, primarily black and Hispanic neighborhoods that the Romney team has avoided at all costs,” said local Obama 2012 volunteer Jacob Fitzsimmons, describing efforts to get the president’s message out in high-crime, inner-city areas that most of Romney’s canvassers won’t even drive through. “Romney staffers that do travel to these areas are typically ineffective because they roll up their windows, lock their car doors, and get nervous when stopping at intersections. Additionally, we believe we can make tremendous strides in neighborhoods where Romney campaign volunteers are willing to go, but never past 6 p.m.” Members of the Romney camp countered this afternoon by saying they planned to redouble their efforts in gated suburban communities that would never allow Obama supporters to enter, let alone knock on doors.

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