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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed. “At approximately 11:05 a.m., we were alerted that the president was climbing the barrier along Pennsylvania Avenue, at which time our agents moved quickly to apprehend him and ensure he made it no further,” said Secret Service director Joseph Clancy, who later stated the agency would look into raising the height of the fence given the increased frequency of such incidents. “He was a little shaken up after agents wrestled him to the ground, but he should be fine. Despite all of his kicking and incoherent screaming, which clearly indicated his severe level of mental distress, we were able to cuff him and haul him off to the Oval Office in a prompt and efficient manner.” Clancy added that, while the Secret Service does everything in its power to use nonlethal force, should a determined Obama ever make it over the fence and start charging directly away from the White House, they’d likely have no choice but to open fire.

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