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Politics

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed. “At approximately 11:05 a.m., we were alerted that the president was climbing the barrier along Pennsylvania Avenue, at which time our agents moved quickly to apprehend him and ensure he made it no further,” said Secret Service director Joseph Clancy, who later stated the agency would look into raising the height of the fence given the increased frequency of such incidents. “He was a little shaken up after agents wrestled him to the ground, but he should be fine. Despite all of his kicking and incoherent screaming, which clearly indicated his severe level of mental distress, we were able to cuff him and haul him off to the Oval Office in a prompt and efficient manner.” Clancy added that, while the Secret Service does everything in its power to use nonlethal force, should a determined Obama ever make it over the fence and start charging directly away from the White House, they’d likely have no choice but to open fire.

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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

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