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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed. “At approximately 11:05 a.m., we were alerted that the president was climbing the barrier along Pennsylvania Avenue, at which time our agents moved quickly to apprehend him and ensure he made it no further,” said Secret Service director Joseph Clancy, who later stated the agency would look into raising the height of the fence given the increased frequency of such incidents. “He was a little shaken up after agents wrestled him to the ground, but he should be fine. Despite all of his kicking and incoherent screaming, which clearly indicated his severe level of mental distress, we were able to cuff him and haul him off to the Oval Office in a prompt and efficient manner.” Clancy added that, while the Secret Service does everything in its power to use nonlethal force, should a determined Obama ever make it over the fence and start charging directly away from the White House, they’d likely have no choice but to open fire.

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