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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama, Congress Must Reach Deal On Budget By March 1, And Then April 1, And Then April 20, And Then April 28, And Then May 1

And Then Twice A Week For Next Four Years

Both parties are hoping to reach an agreement soon, later on, a little while after that, and, after some time has passed, reach another agreement.
Both parties are hoping to reach an agreement soon, later on, a little while after that, and, after some time has passed, reach another agreement.

WASHINGTON—With the dramatic, across-the-board sequestration scheduled to occur this week, the nation’s leading economists have warned that President Obama and Congress must come to a compromise on the budget by Mar. 1, and then again by Apr. 1, and then Apr. 20, Apr. 28, and—after Congress is once again unable to come to a comprehensive agreement to fully stabilize the economy—May 1, along with agreements twice a week, every week, for the next four years.

Experts say that without reaching a deal this Friday, the automatic $85 billion reduction in government spending will immediately slow the U.S. economy and impact thousands of middle-class citizens. Officials said the same exact thing will happen next month, the month after that, and the month after that if Obama and Congress fail to meet deadlines created by the preceding, incomplete deals.

“If the president and Congress are unable to reach a grand bargain by Mar. 1, what they will likely do is reach a set of 100 or so smaller bargains, all with their own deadlines, and all of which could potentially plunge the U.S. economy into a recession,” said Princeton economics professor Marshall Kahn. “So, the Mar. 1 deadline is absolutely crucial. Just like the one next month will be. And the 12 deadlines in May. And the bi-daily deadlines that will kick in during the summer.”

“Based on the way the president and Congress deal with one another,” Kahn added, “in 2014, there will need to be 4,562 budget deals.”

According to leading economists, should negotiations between Obama and lawmakers stall this week, Congress could vote on a resolution to extend the current deadline to May 1, which would likely cause vital cuts to public programs, and also combine the projected negotiations scheduled for May 30, June 4, June 5, July 8, 2014, and Mar. 12, 2042 into one seven-day-long meeting.

Other experts noted that even in the event of a deal, a clause in the Budget Control Act would inevitably lead to a total of 64 additional meetings between June and July, as well as a potential deadline creation deadline that would automatically kick in on Oct. 4 and would create 20 more deadlines that must be agreed upon by a Nov. 5 deadline.

“The fact is, lawmakers will need to deal with the scheduled automatic tax increases, which Republicans will challenge by calling for cuts to education and health programs like Medicare and Medicaid,” Wall Street Journal analyst Will Case said. “All of this will require 12 straight years of intense talks.”

“And then 15 more years of talks if they are unable to come to some sort of compromise,” Case added. “I don’t see an agreement happening at all before the final Sept. 4, 2342 deadline.”

In a statement to reporters today, Obama stressed the importance of Republicans and Democrats remaining willing to work together throughout the next crucial 70,844 days.

“In order to avoid a drastic loss of many hardworking teachers, police officers, and hospital workers, we all need to go into Wednesday’s 378 meetings recognizing the strength of working together,” Obama said. “Whether we’re meeting tomorrow or three weeks from today or right this very second, which we are—this statement is actually part of a budget meeting I’m having—we need to go in with this spirit of compromise.”

At press time, talks between Obama and House majority leader John Boehner had broken down and the Dow Jones Industrial Average had dropped 13,000 points.

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