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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a series of lapses in presidential security, Secret Service director Julia Pierson appeared before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Tuesday, seemingly unaware that President Obama himself was, at that moment, being chased by an assailant in the background. “We have made mistakes, and we want to assure the American people that we are committed to fixing them,” Pierson said, as a frantic Obama ran back and forth through the congressional hearing room, occasionally clambering over chairs to escape what observers described as a highly agitated man with a knife. “Protecting the president is our most important duty, and you have my promise that from this moment forward, we will do it as we should.” At press time, Obama was seen blocking knife blows with a legal pad as Pierson declared her intention to conduct a thorough internal review.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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