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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Debuts Annoying Catchphrase

WASHINGTON—In an unexpected turn of events that even his most ardent supporters are calling extremely ill-advised, President Obama, known for his simple yet stirring slogan "Yes we can," debuted a new, extremely annoying catchphrase Monday during an address on proposed economic policy reform, saying, "It is time for America to move forward, not backward—and in conclusion, hot diggity ding dang!" The new catchphrase, White House officials announced, will replace the former slogan as the focal point of the president's public image effective immediately, and will be implemented in all appearances, official correspondence, and executive paperwork from now until at least mid-2012. Publicity materials featuring the wince-inducing phrase—and picturing Obama smiling wildly and giving a double thumbs-up to the camera—were distributed this week to thousands of media outlets. "We have no idea why he's chosen to do this," said former Obama supporter Kyle Hammersley. "It's unbelievably irritating." "Hot diggitty ding dang" was reportedly selected by Obama and his advisers from a final list of potential taglines that also included "Hanker down—soup's on!" "That's what the doctor told me!" and "Mama mia, where's-a mah pizza?!"

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