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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Deeply Concerned After Syrians Gassed To Death On White House Lawn

WASHINGTON—Assuring the nation that he was “carefully monitoring the situation,” President Barack Obama expressed his “deep concern” this morning after several hundred Syrian men, women, and children were discovered gassed to death overnight on the White House lawn. “The use of chemical weapons on the South Lawn, or anywhere on the White House grounds, is unacceptable, and I strongly condemn these actions,” read a statement issued by the president, which failed to acknowledge his previous stern warnings that any poison gas attacks on civilians within 400 feet of the Oval Office would cross a “red line” that would draw an international response. “We have called on the United Nations to conduct a full investigation of the incident, and pending their findings over the upcoming weeks and months, the appropriate parties will be held accountable. For now, our thoughts and prayers go out to those innocent families down by the south fountain and jogging track who are grieving the loss of loved ones today.” The latest attack comes more than two years into a bloody conflict on the White House grounds that has seen tens of thousands of Syrian civilians brutally massacred in the Rose Garden, the South Portico, and the Lincoln Bedroom.

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