adBlockCheck

Recent News

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
End Of Section
  • More News

Obama Deeply Concerned After Syrians Gassed To Death On White House Lawn

WASHINGTON—Assuring the nation that he was “carefully monitoring the situation,” President Barack Obama expressed his “deep concern” this morning after several hundred Syrian men, women, and children were discovered gassed to death overnight on the White House lawn. “The use of chemical weapons on the South Lawn, or anywhere on the White House grounds, is unacceptable, and I strongly condemn these actions,” read a statement issued by the president, which failed to acknowledge his previous stern warnings that any poison gas attacks on civilians within 400 feet of the Oval Office would cross a “red line” that would draw an international response. “We have called on the United Nations to conduct a full investigation of the incident, and pending their findings over the upcoming weeks and months, the appropriate parties will be held accountable. For now, our thoughts and prayers go out to those innocent families down by the south fountain and jogging track who are grieving the loss of loved ones today.” The latest attack comes more than two years into a bloody conflict on the White House grounds that has seen tens of thousands of Syrian civilians brutally massacred in the Rose Garden, the South Portico, and the Lincoln Bedroom.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close