Obama Deeply Concerned After Syrians Gassed To Death On White House Lawn

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Vol 49 Issue 34

Breaking Bad

AMC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Monday, September 2

Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.

$80,000 Wedding Beautiful

The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expo...

Ben Affleck To Play Batman

The president of Warner Bros. announced yesterday that Ben Affleck will play the role of Batman in the 2015 sequel to this summer’s Man of Steel, in which Batman will join forces with Superman.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Obama Deeply Concerned After Syrians Gassed To Death On White House Lawn

WASHINGTON—Assuring the nation that he was “carefully monitoring the situation,” President Barack Obama expressed his “deep concern” this morning after several hundred Syrian men, women, and children were discovered gassed to death overnight on the White House lawn. “The use of chemical weapons on the South Lawn, or anywhere on the White House grounds, is unacceptable, and I strongly condemn these actions,” read a statement issued by the president, which failed to acknowledge his previous stern warnings that any poison gas attacks on civilians within 400 feet of the Oval Office would cross a “red line” that would draw an international response. “We have called on the United Nations to conduct a full investigation of the incident, and pending their findings over the upcoming weeks and months, the appropriate parties will be held accountable. For now, our thoughts and prayers go out to those innocent families down by the south fountain and jogging track who are grieving the loss of loved ones today.” The latest attack comes more than two years into a bloody conflict on the White House grounds that has seen tens of thousands of Syrian civilians brutally massacred in the Rose Garden, the South Portico, and the Lincoln Bedroom.

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