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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Delivers Whispered, Untelevised Speech On Gun Control

WASHINGTON—President Obama delivered a 10-minute-long inaudible and untelevised speech on gun control Thursday, addressing the politically volatile topic from behind the closed doors of the Oval Office, where nobody could see or hear him. "The Second Amendment doesn't…" said Obama, who trailed off and gently whispered a number of strong, definitive statements that were muffled by the hand in front of his face. "While I understand this is an important issue to many Americans, I also believe that in the aftermath of the tragedy in Arizona, certain kinds of guns are [incoherent mumble], and that we should seriously look at [incoherent mumble]. It's the right thing to do." White House sources confirmed that it was Obama's finest speech since his one-hour silent monologue last Friday, when he outlined the growing threat of climate change and ordered the oil and automobile industries to develop renewable energy sources while cutting carbon emissions completely by 2018.

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