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Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
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Obama Explains How They Get All Those Cars On The Back Of One Of Those Trucks

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a nationally televised press conference from the White House this morning, President Obama explained to the nation how they load all those cars onto the trailer of one of those big transport trucks.

“Good morning. Those big trucks you always see on the highway use hydraulically operated ramps to get all the cars on the back,” Obama told the assembled White House Press Corps. “What they do is, they have this one retractable ramp that actually comes down from the upper level, and that allows the driver to first load the bigger cars on top. Then they put it back up, and the smaller cars are driven directly into the lower section of the rig.”

“In some instances, the bottom level is divided into multiple platforms,” the president continued. “This enables the front of one car to be tilted so another one can be loaded under it, allowing more vehicles to ultimately fit in the truck.”

Noting that you can usually fit “eight or nine” cars on the backs of one of those big trucks, Obama went on to explain that the process of getting the cars off of the big truck is largely the same process as getting them onto the big truck, only in reverse.

The president then confirmed that drivers can usually load an entire truck full of cars in about an hour, although with cars of different sizes the loading process can take considerably longer.

“Okay, so this is where it gets a little complicated,” said Obama, in response to a question from Associated Press reporter Ben Feller about how they position a car on the very roof of the truck, directly on top of the driver, without having it fall forward onto the road. “As with all the vehicles on the trailer, heavy chains are used to secure that car in place. See, the majority of cars are built with these tie-down holes in their frames, and they use special hooks to fit those holes and ratchet the car firmly in place.”

“Each vehicle is secured at four locations, ensuring that they can’t move at all while the truck is driving,” Obama added. “Sometimes, instead of chains, they use these high-strength straps that tie to the car’s tires so it doesn’t get scratched. So that is how they do that.”

After asking if there were any more questions, President Obama then concluded his remarks by saying “Thank you” and walking off stage.

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Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.

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