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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Family Adopts 44-Year-Old Portuguese Water Man

WASHINGTON—Providing a friendly playmate for their dog Bo, White House sources confirmed today that President Barack Obama and his family have adopted an energetic, 44-year-old Portuguese Water Man. “I’m happy to report that the Obamas have welcomed the arrival of the newest member of their family: a beautiful, soaking wet Portuguese Water Man,” said White House spokesperson Hannah August, referring to the shaggy, perpetually drenched Lisbon native, who at press time was napping on the floor of the Grand Foyer. “He’s only just arrived, but he’s already made himself at home. He spends hours every day running around the North Lawn, and he loves to curl up in the First Couple’s bed at night. Portuguese Water Men are, by nature, very affectionate, so he’s already made lots of friends around here, the cute little guy.” August confirmed that the Obamas have decided to name their new furry friend Ernesto Guiomar Aristedes.

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