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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Obama Family Adopts 44-Year-Old Portuguese Water Man

WASHINGTON—Providing a friendly playmate for their dog Bo, White House sources confirmed today that President Barack Obama and his family have adopted an energetic, 44-year-old Portuguese Water Man. “I’m happy to report that the Obamas have welcomed the arrival of the newest member of their family: a beautiful, soaking wet Portuguese Water Man,” said White House spokesperson Hannah August, referring to the shaggy, perpetually drenched Lisbon native, who at press time was napping on the floor of the Grand Foyer. “He’s only just arrived, but he’s already made himself at home. He spends hours every day running around the North Lawn, and he loves to curl up in the First Couple’s bed at night. Portuguese Water Men are, by nature, very affectionate, so he’s already made lots of friends around here, the cute little guy.” August confirmed that the Obamas have decided to name their new furry friend Ernesto Guiomar Aristedes.

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