adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Family Adopts 44-Year-Old Portuguese Water Man

WASHINGTON—Providing a friendly playmate for their dog Bo, White House sources confirmed today that President Barack Obama and his family have adopted an energetic, 44-year-old Portuguese Water Man. “I’m happy to report that the Obamas have welcomed the arrival of the newest member of their family: a beautiful, soaking wet Portuguese Water Man,” said White House spokesperson Hannah August, referring to the shaggy, perpetually drenched Lisbon native, who at press time was napping on the floor of the Grand Foyer. “He’s only just arrived, but he’s already made himself at home. He spends hours every day running around the North Lawn, and he loves to curl up in the First Couple’s bed at night. Portuguese Water Men are, by nature, very affectionate, so he’s already made lots of friends around here, the cute little guy.” August confirmed that the Obamas have decided to name their new furry friend Ernesto Guiomar Aristedes.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close