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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

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PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Obama Fed Grapes While Urging Press Conference To Enjoy Orgy

The president calls for members of the White House Press Corps to succumb to their basest sensual desires.
The president calls for members of the White House Press Corps to succumb to their basest sensual desires.

WASHINGTON—Standing before members of the White House Press Corps Wednesday afternoon as aides lowered a bunch of grapes into his mouth, President Obama encouraged everyone gathered in the West Wing briefing room to abandon their inhibitions and revel in a wild, drunken orgy.

Sources confirmed Obama, who had initially called the press conference to discuss the progress on an infrastructure development bill, suddenly requested everyone in the room strip off their clothing and strongly urged NBC’s Chuck Todd and CNN’s Jessica Yellin to kick the festivities off by engaging in oral sex in front of the podium.

“This afternoon I will discuss how the new water resource development bill could affect S. 601, but first, I think we should all give in to the basest of our primal urges and drink thirstily from the cup of lust,” said Obama, as the juice of the grapes he was eating ran down his chin and White House staffers placed a wreath of leaves onto his head. “This is a day of excess! So now, release yourselves from your attire and surrender your body and mind to the pleasures of the vita carnalis, and to the sheer majesty of the human flesh.”

“Do not resist,” the president continued. “Avail yourself of every journalist and cameraman in this room!”

According to reports, the six-hour-long alcohol-fueled orgy included nearly 50 reporters from a number of Pulitzer Prize–winning media outlets engaged in various sex acts. Multiple eyewitnesses confirmed seeing two AP reporters engaging in anal penetration against a lectern, an ABC News correspondent screaming in ecstasy as she was repeatedly penetrated with a live NPR microphone, and a naked secret service agent urinating on New York Times journalist Peter Baker.

Eyewitness accounts confirmed that as the reporters continued ravenously copulating on top of one another, Obama ripped off his shirt, leaned back in a large golden chair, and was attended to by a bevy of 23-year-old political bloggers who eagerly satisfied his every sensual whim.

Throughout the course of the lascivious ceremony, sources also reported seeing a fully nude White House press secretary Jay Carney prancing between the writhing, sweat-soaked nude bodies sprawled across the room while playing a pan flute and vigorously tugging his erect penis.

“Are we not but beasts, each and every one of us?” Obama roared, as a line of young White House interns frantically playing drums filed into the room followed by servants carrying large trays loaded with slow-roasted boars, cooked turkeys, salted fish, and one large goat on a spit. “Death may visit us all by nightfall, thus do not concern yourself with the petty, ephemeral nature of existence and instead embrace pure pleasure!”

“I urge you, don’t stop until your most depraved fantasies are realized,” added Obama, while pouring a large cup of wine onto Mother Jones reporter David Corn as he licked honey from the president’s nipple.

Reports confirmed that toward the end of the massive orgy, the swelling music quickly reached its apex as the dozens of heaving journalists growled with pleasure and edged towards climax. In the bacchanalian celebration’s final moments, a golden bust of a bull’s head was brought before the assembly, at which time Obama sliced the stomach of a USA Today political correspondent, spilling blood all across the briefing room.

By the end of the orgy, multiple participants reported having no memory of the full span of the afternoon’s events due to the sheer volume and variety of alcohol and hallucinogenic black henbane consumed during the festivities.

“When it began, I was admittedly apprehensive, but by the end I had become fully one with the ravenous sexual mammal that lives deep within my soul,” said NPR’s Ari Shapiro, who claimed to have had intercourse with somewhere between six and 32 different reporters throughout the event. “Honestly, I only remember flashes: a Newsweek reporter sitting on my face, me fisting Fox News’ Ed Henry, and lastly, me gaining consciousness again on top of a pile of CNN reporters.”

“It was the most marvelous experience of my life,” added Shapiro.

At press time, the reporters, all covered in ejaculate, blood, fecal matter, and food, attempted to question Obama on the estimated timetable of the water resource development bill.

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