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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Finally Reveals Nature Of His Work To Daughters

WASHINGTON—Pulling them aside Wednesday for a “quick father-daughter talk,” President Obama finally revealed to his children, Sasha and Malia, the exact nature of his work, White House sources confirmed. “You girls have probably been wondering where I go every day and why I sometimes disappear for much of the week. Well, I’m not proud of this, and I’ve kept it from you for far too long, but I think you deserve to know the truth: I’m in charge of running the United States,” said Obama, moving quickly after noticing the tears welling in his daughters’ eyes to comfort them with reassurances that, while overseeing the nation could be a messy, brutal affair, he was still their father and he loved them very much. “I don’t expect you to understand all of this right away—it’s a lot to take in. Knowing what you know about this country, it’s okay if you’re disappointed in me. I’m not proud of some of the things I do, but at this point, it’s just part of who I am.” After reportedly telling his two daughters not to dwell on the details of his job, the president then sent the heartbroken girls on their way, choking back his emotions as he solemnly walked to the Oval Office for a private meeting with King Salman of Saudi Arabia.

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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