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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Finally Reveals Nature Of His Work To Daughters

WASHINGTON—Pulling them aside Wednesday for a “quick father-daughter talk,” President Obama finally revealed to his children, Sasha and Malia, the exact nature of his work, White House sources confirmed. “You girls have probably been wondering where I go every day and why I sometimes disappear for much of the week. Well, I’m not proud of this, and I’ve kept it from you for far too long, but I think you deserve to know the truth: I’m in charge of running the United States,” said Obama, moving quickly after noticing the tears welling in his daughters’ eyes to comfort them with reassurances that, while overseeing the nation could be a messy, brutal affair, he was still their father and he loved them very much. “I don’t expect you to understand all of this right away—it’s a lot to take in. Knowing what you know about this country, it’s okay if you’re disappointed in me. I’m not proud of some of the things I do, but at this point, it’s just part of who I am.” After reportedly telling his two daughters not to dwell on the details of his job, the president then sent the heartbroken girls on their way, choking back his emotions as he solemnly walked to the Oval Office for a private meeting with King Salman of Saudi Arabia.

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