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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Finally Tells Rambling Tom Vilsack To Shut The Fuck Up During Cabinet Meeting

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack spent nearly 20 minutes of a cabinet meeting Tuesday rambling on about recent fluctuations in the price of corn before President Barack Obama finally told him to "shut the fuck up." "Look, Tom, I like you, I do, but we have some serious shit to talk about here," said Obama, who during previous meetings of the executive branch's top officials has reportedly listened with patience to Vilsack's digressions before moving on to other subjects. "Seriously, how long do you expect a group of people to listen to one man talk about corn? I'm sick of it, and everyone else in this room is fucking sick of it, and you need to shut the fuck up now." Sources confirmed Vilsack spent the rest of the day asking other cabinet members whether he was out of line or the president was just being a dick.

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