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Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Finally Tells Rambling Tom Vilsack To Shut The Fuck Up During Cabinet Meeting

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack spent nearly 20 minutes of a cabinet meeting Tuesday rambling on about recent fluctuations in the price of corn before President Barack Obama finally told him to "shut the fuck up." "Look, Tom, I like you, I do, but we have some serious shit to talk about here," said Obama, who during previous meetings of the executive branch's top officials has reportedly listened with patience to Vilsack's digressions before moving on to other subjects. "Seriously, how long do you expect a group of people to listen to one man talk about corn? I'm sick of it, and everyone else in this room is fucking sick of it, and you need to shut the fuck up now." Sources confirmed Vilsack spent the rest of the day asking other cabinet members whether he was out of line or the president was just being a dick.

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