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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Finally Tells Rambling Tom Vilsack To Shut The Fuck Up During Cabinet Meeting

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack spent nearly 20 minutes of a cabinet meeting Tuesday rambling on about recent fluctuations in the price of corn before President Barack Obama finally told him to "shut the fuck up." "Look, Tom, I like you, I do, but we have some serious shit to talk about here," said Obama, who during previous meetings of the executive branch's top officials has reportedly listened with patience to Vilsack's digressions before moving on to other subjects. "Seriously, how long do you expect a group of people to listen to one man talk about corn? I'm sick of it, and everyone else in this room is fucking sick of it, and you need to shut the fuck up now." Sources confirmed Vilsack spent the rest of the day asking other cabinet members whether he was out of line or the president was just being a dick.

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