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Obama Finishes Deal To Get Every American A Free Parrot

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Obama Finishes Deal To Get Every American A Free Parrot

WASHINGTON—After months of tense bipartisan negotiations, President Barack Obama announced Monday he had secured a deal to provide every man, woman, and child in the United States with a parrot. "These are beautiful animals that can live up to 80 years and are very smart," said Obama, feeding sunflower seeds to a blue and yellow macaw he referred to as General Parrotraeus. "At a time when there is so much dividing us as a nation, we must never forget that there are some things every American can cherish. You will enjoy these birds." A press release from the White House stated that while no food or cages would be provided, citizens who already own a bird may opt out with proof of parrot.

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