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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Finishes Deal To Get Every American A Free Parrot

WASHINGTON—After months of tense bipartisan negotiations, President Barack Obama announced Monday he had secured a deal to provide every man, woman, and child in the United States with a parrot. "These are beautiful animals that can live up to 80 years and are very smart," said Obama, feeding sunflower seeds to a blue and yellow macaw he referred to as General Parrotraeus. "At a time when there is so much dividing us as a nation, we must never forget that there are some things every American can cherish. You will enjoy these birds." A press release from the White House stated that while no food or cages would be provided, citizens who already own a bird may opt out with proof of parrot.

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