adBlockCheck

Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term

Top Headlines

Politics

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term

The president wistfully reminisces about the utter aggravation of his first term in office.
The president wistfully reminisces about the utter aggravation of his first term in office.

WASHINGTON—Saying that those were definitely some good times, a reflective President Obama told reporters Friday that the current scandals plaguing his administration have made him long for the deeply frustrating, often maddening political climate of his first term in office.

“Remember when I couldn’t get anything through Congress for two years and had absolutely no success reaching a grand bargain with John Boehner?” said a gently smiling Obama as he leaned back in his chair in the Oval Office and stared off wistfully. “I really miss that.”

“I wonder if it will ever be infuriating like that again,” he added. “Gosh, I sure hope so.”

Obama, who is currently facing three high-level political scandals that include the IRS’ unfair targeting of conservative groups, the Department of Justice’s questionable probe of the Associated Press, and the murder of a U.S. diplomat in Benghazi, said he can’t help but smile when he remembers his early, thwarted years as president when he was unable to bring Democrats and Republicans together on health care or lobby Congress to pass immigration reform.

The president then affectionately reminisced about when Mitch McConnell (R-KY) said his one goal as Senate Minority leader was to make Obama a one-term president, and told reporters that, with the current onslaught of criticism facing his administration, he often finds himself yearning for the tumultuous months in 2009 when unemployment was at 10.2 percent and his stimulus plan faced constant scrutiny.

The president also tenderly recalled his horrendous first debate with Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney, saying that awful night now holds a special place in his heart.

“Just the other day, after a reporter compared me to Richard Nixon, I was sitting in my office and I was just sort of replaying a simpler, fairly annoying time in the beginning of my presidency when people were accusing me of being a Muslim and saying that I wasn’t born in the United States,” said Obama, chuckling to himself. “Man, those were the exasperating good ol’ days.”

According to sources within the White House, the president has been in a reflective mood since news of the various scandals broke, often taking aides aside and fondly recalling the hellish nightmare of his first term when he realized he couldn’t live up to anyone’s expectations and his once sterling approval rating dropped precipitously in mere months.

One high-level official said that after the White House was forced to release emails sent during the Benghazi terrorist attack, the president, in an effort to calm himself, mused warmly on how torturous it was dealing with House Minority Leader Eric Cantor (R-VA) during his first term, and how he actually thought about punching him in the face during many of his Oval Office visits.

“When the president talks about how he totally failed—from a public relations perspective—to sell the American people on his health care plan, it sort of takes him back to the beginning when everything was just grand, comparatively speaking,” one aide said, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “Completely and utterly discouraging memories like those from the first 100 days are pretty much the only things that take his mind off of how the IRS failed under his watch, or how gun control didn’t pass, or how he’s not gaining much traction on climate change.”

Staring out of the Oval Office window, Obama suddenly clapped his hands, smiled broadly, and said, “Hey, I just remembered a great story about the time people compared my handling of the BP oil spill to how Bush handled Hurricane Katrina.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close