adBlockCheck

Recent News

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Gently Guides Michelle’s Hand As She Maneuvers Drone Joystick

WASHINGTON—Leaning in close behind the first lady and softly whispering into her ear, President Obama gently guided Michelle’s hand as she maneuvered a Predator drone joystick control to acquire a high-value overseas target, White House sources confirmed Friday. “Now keep your eyes on the digital-terrain data feed on this monitor as you slowly pull up on the stick—wow, you’re such a natural at this,” said the commander-in-chief as he tenderly led his wife’s hand to the laser designator. “Careful now, not too steep! That’s it—steady, steady. Whenever you’re ready, just aim at your target and discharge the Hellfire missiles.” At press time, sources confirmed that the president and first lady could be seen locking eyes intensely and smiling after they pressed the unmanned aerial vehicle’s launch button in unison.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close