adBlockCheck

Recent News

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Gently Guides Michelle’s Hand As She Maneuvers Drone Joystick

WASHINGTON—Leaning in close behind the first lady and softly whispering into her ear, President Obama gently guided Michelle’s hand as she maneuvered a Predator drone joystick control to acquire a high-value overseas target, White House sources confirmed Friday. “Now keep your eyes on the digital-terrain data feed on this monitor as you slowly pull up on the stick—wow, you’re such a natural at this,” said the commander-in-chief as he tenderly led his wife’s hand to the laser designator. “Careful now, not too steep! That’s it—steady, steady. Whenever you’re ready, just aim at your target and discharge the Hellfire missiles.” At press time, sources confirmed that the president and first lady could be seen locking eyes intensely and smiling after they pressed the unmanned aerial vehicle’s launch button in unison.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close