adBlockCheck

Obama Has That Sex Dream About Nation Again

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obama Has That Sex Dream About Nation Again

The president in the midst of experiencing yet another sex dream about all 313 million American citizens.
The president in the midst of experiencing yet another sex dream about all 313 million American citizens.

WASHINGTON—After awaking from a restless sleep in the Presidential Bedroom, a disoriented and lightly perspiring President Barack Obama informed reporters early Tuesday morning that he had just had that weird sex dream about the entire nation again.

“Whoa, that was intense,” said Obama, recounting his recent dream in which he once again found himself participating in a frenzied bout of sexual intercourse with all 313 million Americans. “It started out like it normally does, with me walking through the Rose Garden until I come across my junior high school teacher Miss Thornton. She starts to take off her shirt, but before you know it, we’ve been joined by every American citizen from all 50 United States and they’re all taking off their clothes.”

“It’s like the third time I’ve had this dream in the last month,” he continued.

According to Obama, his persistent sex dreams always feature the president engaging in elaborate yet somewhat indistinct carnal acts with the entire country, including actress Diane Lane, the entire population of the Pacific Northwest, poet Maya Angelou, the board of trustees of General Mills, the town of Blanco, TX, the starting five of the WNBA’s Minnesota Lynx, and Philadelphia grocery clerk Michael Bailey.

As explained by the commander-in-chief, the recurring fantasies invariably consist of an unending string of sexual encounters with each and every one of his constituents—including residents of the Great Lakes region, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti, and the membership of the AFL-CIO—with the scenarios routinely skirting conventional logic as Obama hazily makes love to hundreds of millions of his fellow Americans.

“At one point we’re all somehow in my old bedroom in Chicago—I don’t know how we got there—and I’m hooking up with [Jonesboro, AR resident] Deborah Aponte and the nation’s autoworkers,” Obama said, his breath quickening as he described erotic episodes that also included extended bouts of sex with House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, an attractive female jogger he saw running past the White House earlier in the week, and Nebraska. “Then Debbie asks me if I want to take a bath, just the two of us, so then we’re naked in the tub. But I look up and the entire city of Houston is just standing there watching us.”

“And then the full faculty and student body of the University of Iowa walks in the room,” Obama added.

The president noted that while many of the participants in his nocturnal sex romp remain “a little fuzzy,” he can still recall several of the more prominent role-players, including journalist Andrew Ross Sorkin and Westchester County, as well as a general mixture of celebrities and public figures whom he has been attracted to in the past, familiar voting districts, and states and cities he hasn’t thought about in years.

Obama emphasized that he has never consciously thought about the majority of the American people in a sexual context while he is awake.

“I remember there was this one part where we were all outside in what looked like an apple orchard or something and I was in this wild orgy with [Baltimore graphic designer] Patricia Desmond, [Transportation Secretary] Anthony Foxx, and the country’s hispanic population,” said Obama, admitting that he can’t quite recall if he was receiving oral sex from his old college girlfriend or the nine justices of the U.S. Supreme Court. “And then I noticed that my wife and [Chicago alderman] Michael Zalewski were making out with each other and they invited me to join in.”

“That part was weird,” the president added.

While Obama admitted that the frequency of his sex dreams involving himself and the nation has lately been uncommonly high, with the president claiming that he’s had dozens of such dreams ever since he was elected to his first term, the commander-in-chief told reporters that he saw nothing particularly unusual about his ongoing fantasies.

“Everyone has dreams like these from time to time, so I don’t think it’s anything to worry about,” Obama said, adding that he used to have similarly sex-charged dreams about the entire citizenry of Illinois when he was serving as the state’s junior senator. “The mind works in strange ways, and I’m sure that there’s just some weird part of my subconscious that lusts after every single one of the people whom I govern over that manifests itself in these crazy, sexy dreams. So it’s no big deal.”

“And they’re definitely way better than those fucked-up nightmares I keep having about the entire population of Croatia,” Obama continued.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close