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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy

DENVER—Ahead of tonight’s debate with Republican nominee Mitt Romney, sources within the Obama campaign confirmed that the president is hoping moderator Jim Lehrer doesn’t ask any questions about the economy of the United States. “Hopefully he just completely forgets to ask about the unemployment rate and anemic job numbers, or maybe we’ll luck out and just run out of time before he can cover it,” Obama reportedly told senior campaign adviser Robert Gibbs, adding that he is “crossing his fingers” and hoping Lehrer also doesn’t bring up health care reform, immigration, gun control, Medicare, or Social Security during the 90-minute debate on domestic issues. “Actually, if the whole thing could just focus on gay rights, that would be perfect.” At press time, Obama was reportedly staring blankly at a copy of the the Labor Department’s August jobs report.

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