Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy

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Vol 48 Issue 40

Turkish Actor Thinks He's Cüneyt Fucking Arkin

ISTANBUL—The cast and crew of the Turkish film Arada confirmed this week that local actor Ahmet Demir, 28, is strutting around the set like he’s goddamned film superstar Cüneyt fucking Arkin or something.

Record Number Of Gay Characters On TV

A record 4.4 percent of all scripted TV characters on the five major networks are either gay, bisexual, or transgender this season, with a total of 111 LGBT characters across all channels, according to the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy

DENVER—Ahead of tonight’s debate with Republican nominee Mitt Romney, sources within the Obama campaign confirmed that the president is hoping moderator Jim Lehrer doesn’t ask any questions about the economy of the United States. “Hopefully he just completely forgets to ask about the unemployment rate and anemic job numbers, or maybe we’ll luck out and just run out of time before he can cover it,” Obama reportedly told senior campaign adviser Robert Gibbs, adding that he is “crossing his fingers” and hoping Lehrer also doesn’t bring up health care reform, immigration, gun control, Medicare, or Social Security during the 90-minute debate on domestic issues. “Actually, if the whole thing could just focus on gay rights, that would be perfect.” At press time, Obama was reportedly staring blankly at a copy of the the Labor Department’s August jobs report.

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