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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Hoping Jim Lehrer Doesn't Bring Up U.S. Economy

DENVER—Ahead of tonight’s debate with Republican nominee Mitt Romney, sources within the Obama campaign confirmed that the president is hoping moderator Jim Lehrer doesn’t ask any questions about the economy of the United States. “Hopefully he just completely forgets to ask about the unemployment rate and anemic job numbers, or maybe we’ll luck out and just run out of time before he can cover it,” Obama reportedly told senior campaign adviser Robert Gibbs, adding that he is “crossing his fingers” and hoping Lehrer also doesn’t bring up health care reform, immigration, gun control, Medicare, or Social Security during the 90-minute debate on domestic issues. “Actually, if the whole thing could just focus on gay rights, that would be perfect.” At press time, Obama was reportedly staring blankly at a copy of the the Labor Department’s August jobs report.

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