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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Informs Nation Anarchy Will Reign During Search For New Attorney General

WASHINGTON—Following news that Eric Holder plans to step down from office, President Barack Obama addressed Americans this afternoon to announce that anarchy and violent chaos will reign during the search for a new Attorney General.

Obama, who issued a stern warning to the U.S. populace that frenzied and unrestrained mayhem will grip every corner of the country, stressed that federal laws would soon hold no meaning and that uncontrollable mobs would rampage in every American city, where he said blood would accumulate in great pools in the streets until a successor for Holder is nominated from a list of suitable candidates and subsequently confirmed by the Senate.

“I am saddened to accept the resignation of Attorney General Eric Holder. He held his office with honor and served his country admirably, and as we begin the difficult task of replacing him, I want the American people to understand that the country is now poised to erupt into a vicious maelstrom of horror ungoverned by the laws of man,” said the president, urging citizens to trust no one and to stay in their homes while bedlam consumes the nation. “With a leadership void in the Department of Justice, there is no question that utter chaos and disorder will prevail and our formerly rule-bound society will descend into a cutthroat free-for-all. That is, until this administration and both sides of Congress agree on a replacement.”

“Prepare yourselves,” Obama added.

Speaking from the Oval Office, the door to which appeared to have been barricaded shut, Obama then assured the nation that brutal hordes would run amok from coast to coast during the complete absence of lawful rule. He explained that these barbarous mobs would loot homes and businesses, burn buildings to the ground, and litter the cities with the bodies of any American citizen who was caught in their path of destruction.

Obama went on to remind Americans that the departure of Holder, the 82nd person to hold the office of attorney general and the sole guarantor of the rule of law in the United States, ushered in a new era of savage cruelty in which there would be no justice except that which each individual citizen could provide for him or herself.

The president added that “the age of legal authority is now over” and that all power in the country had been transferred from government bodies to the strongest and most merciless among the population.

“Until the ink is dry on a new appointment affidavit, we shall all be ruled by ruthless might,” said Obama, stressing that Holder’s resignation means that any juridical check on man’s basest and most heinous appetites no longer exists. “Until a majority of senators agree on a candidate of my nomination, everything and nothing at all will be permitted. Darkness and cruelty will overtake the hearts of even the most upright civilians.”

“My administration aims to begin the nomination and hearings process some time after the November recess,” Obama added. “But pending the confirmation of a new attorney general, I urge you all: Murder or be murdered.”

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