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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama: Iraq Airstrikes Not Slippery Slope To Other Humanitarian Interventions

WASHINGTON—In an effort to reassure a weary American public, President Obama said Friday that his decision to authorize airstrikes to protect Iraqi Kurds and besieged Yazidi minorities was not the beginning of a slippery slope toward other humanitarian interventions. “Many are concerned that these strikes could lead to responding in a compassionate, principled manner to a host of other crises in the world, but I cannot and will not permit that to happen,” the president said at a press conference, emphasizing that the strike would not deteriorate into involvement on behalf of other oppressed peoples anywhere else on the globe. “As commander-in-chief, I can assure the American people that this is a limited-scale mission of mercy that will in no way take us down the road to stepping in on behalf of other persecuted groups. Nobody wants that.” At press time, polls suggested that the U.S. populace was divided on the airstrikes, and even supporters worried that humanitarian interventions had a way of getting out of hand.

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