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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Obama Leaves Post-It On Counter With Quick Note Explaining How To Use Extralegal Surveillance Apparatus

WASHINGTON—Jotting down the instructions so the incoming commander-in-chief would be able to quickly and easily access the personal information of the American populace without any hassle, outgoing President Barack Obama left a Post-it note on the White House kitchen counter Friday explaining how to use the government’s extralegal surveillance apparatus, sources confirmed. “Domestic surveillance can be a little tricky—check to make sure NSA is connected to ISP servers first,” read the bulleted message in part, which went on to direct President Donald Trump to “keep trying” several times if a request for communications records from private internet and telecom companies didn’t work on the first attempt. “Select whether data will be collected by individual or in bulk. Download it. IMPORTANT: MAY NEED TO EXPAND STORAGE TO HANDLE ALL DATA. That’s it! Enjoy! P.S. If leak happens, you’ll have to wait a while, then reboot the whole thing.” Obama reportedly also left a stack of classified files regarding American citizens suspected of terrorism overseas on top of the Resolute desk with a note inviting his successor to “help yourself!” to any targeted killings.

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