adBlockCheck

Obama Makes Surprise Visit To Quantum-Branching Multiverse On Alternate Hyperdimensional Plane

Top Headlines

Politics

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Who Is Gary Johnson?

Former New Mexico governor and Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson is gaining some traction in the polls as an alternative to the two major-party nominees. Here’s what you need to know about Johnson

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obama Makes Surprise Visit To Quantum-Branching Multiverse On Alternate Hyperdimensional Plane

President Obama, delivering a surprise speech in a quantum branch of Hilbert space separate from our own.
President Obama, delivering a surprise speech in a quantum branch of Hilbert space separate from our own.

EVERYWHERE IN SPACE-TIME SIMULTANEOUSLY—Attempting to appeal to the widest possible demographic base as Election Day draws near, President Obama made a surprise campaign stop Monday to visit an infinite series of alternate universes that vibrate on a hyperdimensional plane different from the three spatial dimensions observable in our own universe.

Occupying an M-theory-postulated “brane,” or multidimensional “membrane,” of either 11 or 22 dimensions depending on the chirality of the observer, Obama urged any hypothetical sentient consciousnesses within that multiverse to vote for him in November, or in whatever analogous chronological period their version of space-time specifies as extant.

“I come here today to stress the importance of finishing the work we’ve started and moving our political discourse forward,” said the president, his voice confident and assured despite its sound waves propagating in wildly divergent modes incompatibly different from that of his and our native universe, due to differences in the fundamental physical constants guiding the alternate existence in which he stood. “It’s time we talked about the issues that truly matter to voters, and not just to a select few.”

Our plane of reality as it existed during Obama’s speech.

“If we all work together, we can do this,” said Obama, maintaining his composure despite the fact that a “rippling” effect was causing concentric waveforms to appear in the surface of his podium as his hand inadvertently passed through it. “We can start building a better tomorrow.”

At times contracting in size to near Planck-length in the subatomic realm of quantum foam, and at other times seeming to hover alone in a vast empty expanse of macrocosmic scale, the president spoke on a variety of topics, defending his oft-attacked economic policies and stressing the importance of alternative energy development, even as the subjective reality of his own consciousness fluctuated randomly between differing mutually incompatible percept-states.

As his physical form split in two, diverged along parallel but separate time streams, and veered into realms that cannot be expressed by any known mathematical formulations, Obama stayed firmly on message throughout his address, despite the massive cosmological forces unleashed by the contradicting realities constituting the event.

Several times during the speech, a blaring sound was reportedly heard as the multiverse threatened to collapse due to the paradoxical impossibility of Obama and itself existing simultaneously in the same plane of reality.

“This is a bold move on Obama’s part,” said pollster Gregory Shire, a three-dimensional occupant of the universe knowable through our own current conception of reality. “By reaching out to include regions of purely mathematical speculation unverifiable by observable phenomena, the president is showing greater coalition-building ambition than any politician in recent history. And I think this ambition will pay significant dividends come Election Day.”

Despite the apparent political value of the speech, some Democratic insiders expressed concern that he is leaving himself open to criticism by the many thinkers who view non-empirically-observable constructs such as the one he visited Monday to be fundamentally invalid. Other critics have noted that the president runs the risk of being crushed in universes where gravity is 10,000 times more powerful than in our own, and where all the matter in his physical makeup could at any moment be converted into powerful, condensed energy in a miniature “big bang” event that would hasten the destruction of every universe, including our own.

Still, the president’s surprise visit to the M-theory-postulated multiverse has for the most part been met with considerable acclaim, with many hailing it as one of the stronger stump speeches of his campaign.

“I will never stop fighting for the values and the policies that truly matter,” said Obama, who according to aides may be considering a potentially infinite number of campaign stops in additional multiverses­, all of which occupy alternate segments of the totality of possible realities and are continually splitting into different quantum branches of Hilbert space. “The era of politics as partisan gamesmanship must come to an end. We must all work together to accomplish this.”

After speaking for what may have been 15 minutes, five days, or no elapsed time at all, the president closed his hyperdimensional remarks by clutching his head, screaming “Aaaaaauuuuugggghhh!!” and suddenly finding himself back in the Oval Office five hours earlier than he left.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close