Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids

After Bush's proposal for the $700 billion financial bailout, our two candidates have been weighing in on the future of our economy. And because Iowa is once again an important swing state, both candidates have recently been through Cedar Rapids, stopping in at local businesses to try and get the perspective of common citizens on America's financial crisis.

And both of them, God only knows why, stopped at the Tip-Top Diner to glad-hand voters instead of Davidson's Family Restaurant.

Not that where they stopped for lunch matters. Not at all. No, what really matters the most are the issues, and what the two candidates can do for the great state of Iowa and its people. Not to say that I wouldn't have loved to chat with Barack Obama about his universal healthcare plan over some nice corned beef hash, or pick John McCain's brain about his energy policy while he sipped some freshly brewed famous Davidson's coffee—bottomless cups from 7 till noon, by the way.

I understand they were busy getting their message out about rules for the investment firms following the bailout—especially Obama with his 4-point plan to regulate the industry. Still, it would have been nice to sit down and ask them about the issues that are important to us Iowans right here in Iowa.

Or maybe ask them what in blue blazes I'm supposed to do with 250 specially made "McCainwiches," or who in hell is going to buy the 32-ounce Obama-Rama Root Beer Slammer when neither of those assholes ever even set foot in the place. Those are a couple of fucking issues I'd personally like to hear their stances on, because I look like a goddamn fool with this giant goddamn "Welcome Mr. President!!!" banner hanging here.

Fucking pricks. I hope you both fucking die.

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