adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids

After Bush's proposal for the $700 billion financial bailout, our two candidates have been weighing in on the future of our economy. And because Iowa is once again an important swing state, both candidates have recently been through Cedar Rapids, stopping in at local businesses to try and get the perspective of common citizens on America's financial crisis.

And both of them, God only knows why, stopped at the Tip-Top Diner to glad-hand voters instead of Davidson's Family Restaurant.

Not that where they stopped for lunch matters. Not at all. No, what really matters the most are the issues, and what the two candidates can do for the great state of Iowa and its people. Not to say that I wouldn't have loved to chat with Barack Obama about his universal healthcare plan over some nice corned beef hash, or pick John McCain's brain about his energy policy while he sipped some freshly brewed famous Davidson's coffee—bottomless cups from 7 till noon, by the way.

I understand they were busy getting their message out about rules for the investment firms following the bailout—especially Obama with his 4-point plan to regulate the industry. Still, it would have been nice to sit down and ask them about the issues that are important to us Iowans right here in Iowa.

Or maybe ask them what in blue blazes I'm supposed to do with 250 specially made "McCainwiches," or who in hell is going to buy the 32-ounce Obama-Rama Root Beer Slammer when neither of those assholes ever even set foot in the place. Those are a couple of fucking issues I'd personally like to hear their stances on, because I look like a goddamn fool with this giant goddamn "Welcome Mr. President!!!" banner hanging here.

Fucking pricks. I hope you both fucking die.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close