Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obama & McCain Have A "Tip-Top" Time In Cedar Rapids

After Bush's proposal for the $700 billion financial bailout, our two candidates have been weighing in on the future of our economy. And because Iowa is once again an important swing state, both candidates have recently been through Cedar Rapids, stopping in at local businesses to try and get the perspective of common citizens on America's financial crisis.

And both of them, God only knows why, stopped at the Tip-Top Diner to glad-hand voters instead of Davidson's Family Restaurant.

Not that where they stopped for lunch matters. Not at all. No, what really matters the most are the issues, and what the two candidates can do for the great state of Iowa and its people. Not to say that I wouldn't have loved to chat with Barack Obama about his universal healthcare plan over some nice corned beef hash, or pick John McCain's brain about his energy policy while he sipped some freshly brewed famous Davidson's coffee—bottomless cups from 7 till noon, by the way.

I understand they were busy getting their message out about rules for the investment firms following the bailout—especially Obama with his 4-point plan to regulate the industry. Still, it would have been nice to sit down and ask them about the issues that are important to us Iowans right here in Iowa.

Or maybe ask them what in blue blazes I'm supposed to do with 250 specially made "McCainwiches," or who in hell is going to buy the 32-ounce Obama-Rama Root Beer Slammer when neither of those assholes ever even set foot in the place. Those are a couple of fucking issues I'd personally like to hear their stances on, because I look like a goddamn fool with this giant goddamn "Welcome Mr. President!!!" banner hanging here.

Fucking pricks. I hope you both fucking die.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close