adBlockCheck

Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
End Of Section
  • More News

Obama Meets With Nation’s Schizophrenic Voices To Urge Less Violence

The president meets with the nation’s 2.5 million displaced schizophrenic voices.
The president meets with the nation’s 2.5 million displaced schizophrenic voices.

WASHINGTON—With the nation still reeling from Monday’s mass shooting inside the Washington Navy Yard, President Barack Obama held a bilateral meeting with the country’s schizophrenic voices earlier today, urging the disembodied auditory hallucinations to join him in helping to reduce violence.

The special summit, which was open to reporters, began at 9 a.m. in the White House’s East Room, where the president and over 2.5 million schizophrenic voices of various degrees of intensity from all across America engaged in an open dialogue covering issues as varied as violence in America, mental health care, the incessant wriggling of worms, gun control, the tearing of the flesh, and the passage of meaningful legislation.

“With the continued impact of senseless acts of bloodshed on all citizens throughout the country, it is absolutely crucial that we all gather today to propose a rational, level-headed solution that might stem your need for harmful behavior,” Obama said, addressing the millions of disturbed phantom voices brought on by the pervasive mental disorder known as paranoid schizophrenia. “I know you all sometimes feel fearful, angry, traumatized, and even physically threatened, but I ask you to remain calm, and please understand that no one is watching you, that there is nothing you need to avenge or correct, that demons do not exist, and that violence is not the answer.”

“Also, it is not your role to try to ‘punish’ anybody, or to ‘set things right,’ as you see them,” Obama added. “In fact, there is never, ever a reason to hurt innocent people, so let’s agree to take that option off the table.”

Throughout the course of the meeting, which mostly involved the president struggling to maintain order among the harried, screaming voices in his company, Obama constantly reiterated his pleas for America’s schizophrenic voices to be wary of any delusions related to feelings of paranoia, rage, sorrow, or “any other emotion that may lead to an onslaught of violence.”

Obama also strongly recommended that all of the voices focus their efforts not on seeking vengeance, making the world pay, or scratching an unscratchable itch, but instead on urging mentally ill people to check themselves into health care centers.

“Under ideal circumstances, I would ask you all to remain silent and not say anything at all,” Obama said while struggling to talk over the millions of voices quickly growing louder and louder. “But since I know this is not, at the moment, a realistic possibility, I would ask that you please not drive anyone to run into a public area and kill innocent people. Also, anything you can do to dissuade people from purchasing or otherwise procuring a gun, knife, explosive, or other deadly weapon would be greatly appreciated. I think we can all agree that is a fair and sensible thing to do, right?”

“Right?” the president asked again. “Folks, c’mon now. Let’s settle down and have a conversation here.”

In the hours since the meeting, political experts have called the White House’s efforts to reach an agreement with the schizophrenic voices “an unequivocal failure,” with many suggesting the president never managed to adequately appease the concerns of the irrational and angry voices and may have even driven them closer to the brink of violence.

“Every time it seemed like the president was making some headway on, say, gun control or a call for peace, the voices would quickly introduce a new, largely unrelated issue such as God’s desire for blood or the need to let the darkness seep out,” said Washington Post political analyst Mark Copeland, adding that at one point the voices all simply shrieked for a full 15 minutes. “It’s clear that most of the voices never trusted Obama or the government. By the end of it, some of them were even shouting for Obama’s death. Needless to say, this was not a political victory for the president.”

At press time, a representative for the nation’s displaced schizophrenic voices told reporters that the time for action is now, something must be done, and there can be no more delaying.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close