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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Obama Narrowly Misses Quarterly Performance Bonus

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he failed to hit his national growth goals for the April-June period, the White House’s Office of Personnel Management confirmed Tuesday that President Barack Obama fell just short of earning a quarterly performance bonus. “We lay out our expectations very clearly in a meeting with the president at the beginning of every fiscal quarter, and unfortunately he came up a bit shy of meeting the targets we set for him,” said White House administrator Sarah Hammond, citing a number of factors that reflected negatively on Obama’s performance evaluation, including his inability to raise GDP by the stipulated 2.75 percent or create 750,000 new jobs, benchmarks that Hammond said were “ambitious, but achievable.” “The president knew what his Q2 goals for health care sign-ups were, but he was unable to deliver the numbers we were looking for. He certainly didn’t knock it out of the park like [Secretary of Transportation] Anthony Foxx, who easily exceeded his target of 20 new highway interchanges over the same period. Now, if President Obama could achieve anything close to that next quarter, it would go a long way toward securing that $1,500 bonus.” At press time, sources confirmed that the president was somberly explaining to his wife and children that their trip to California would have to wait until next year.

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