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Obama Narrowly Misses Quarterly Performance Bonus

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CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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Obama Narrowly Misses Quarterly Performance Bonus

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he failed to hit his national growth goals for the April-June period, the White House’s Office of Personnel Management confirmed Tuesday that President Barack Obama fell just short of earning a quarterly performance bonus. “We lay out our expectations very clearly in a meeting with the president at the beginning of every fiscal quarter, and unfortunately he came up a bit shy of meeting the targets we set for him,” said White House administrator Sarah Hammond, citing a number of factors that reflected negatively on Obama’s performance evaluation, including his inability to raise GDP by the stipulated 2.75 percent or create 750,000 new jobs, benchmarks that Hammond said were “ambitious, but achievable.” “The president knew what his Q2 goals for health care sign-ups were, but he was unable to deliver the numbers we were looking for. He certainly didn’t knock it out of the park like [Secretary of Transportation] Anthony Foxx, who easily exceeded his target of 20 new highway interchanges over the same period. Now, if President Obama could achieve anything close to that next quarter, it would go a long way toward securing that $1,500 bonus.” At press time, sources confirmed that the president was somberly explaining to his wife and children that their trip to California would have to wait until next year.

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