adBlockCheck

Obama Narrowly Survives Carnivorous Section Of Rose Garden

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obama Narrowly Survives Carnivorous Section Of Rose Garden

WASHINGTON—In his first major gaffe since taking office, President Obama accidentally stepped too close to the ferocious, man-eating plants of the White House Rose Garden Monday and was nearly devoured whole. According to witnesses, Obama was giving a tour to a group of foreign dignitaries when he leaned against a fence and was pulled headfirst into the pack of thorny stems and meat-eating flora that edge the lawn. "I should have known it was almost feeding time," said a surprisingly high-spirited Obama, whose neck and legs were still covered with bandages. "If the gardener hadn't left out that rake I used to fend them off, there's no doubt their tentacle-like vines would have strangled me and crushed my body into a powder." In hopes of preventing another embarrassing snafu, White House groundskeepers have erected a large "Keep Out!" sign near the 5-foot-tall Venus flytraps and will begin feeding the plants 10 live hogs per day instead of eight.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close