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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama: No Option Off The Table Except Snatching Iran's Leaders With Hook Lowered From Plane And Flying Them To Washington

WASHINGTON—A resolute President Obama warned Tuesday that if Iran remained unwilling to halt its nuclear program, the United States would consider any and all options at its disposal short of whisking away the Islamic republic's leaders using a hook lowered from an airplane. "We are dealing with a grave threat and we will not hesitate to use any available recourse, with the exception of flying one of our stealth fighter jets into the heart of Tehran, having the pilot shoot some sort of grappling device 500 feet to the ground, dragging the steel hook in such a way that it remains inconspicuous, and then suddenly snatching up key officials when they least expect it," said Obama, adding that diplomatic pressure, economic sanctions, and military force were still on the table, given that those options did not involve using a curved metal implement at the end of a long retractable cable to ensnare members of the ruling Guardian Council. "Our message to Iran's leaders is clear: If you do not choose peace, we will take whatever steps are necessary aside from swooping in, snagging the back of your shirt collar with the tip of a large hook, and then flying you across the ocean to be our prisoners." Regardless of U.S. policy, many experts predict Israel will begin capturing Iranians with hooks lowered from planes as early as this summer.

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