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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Obama: No Option Off The Table Except Snatching Iran's Leaders With Hook Lowered From Plane And Flying Them To Washington

WASHINGTON—A resolute President Obama warned Tuesday that if Iran remained unwilling to halt its nuclear program, the United States would consider any and all options at its disposal short of whisking away the Islamic republic's leaders using a hook lowered from an airplane. "We are dealing with a grave threat and we will not hesitate to use any available recourse, with the exception of flying one of our stealth fighter jets into the heart of Tehran, having the pilot shoot some sort of grappling device 500 feet to the ground, dragging the steel hook in such a way that it remains inconspicuous, and then suddenly snatching up key officials when they least expect it," said Obama, adding that diplomatic pressure, economic sanctions, and military force were still on the table, given that those options did not involve using a curved metal implement at the end of a long retractable cable to ensnare members of the ruling Guardian Council. "Our message to Iran's leaders is clear: If you do not choose peace, we will take whatever steps are necessary aside from swooping in, snagging the back of your shirt collar with the tip of a large hook, and then flying you across the ocean to be our prisoners." Regardless of U.S. policy, many experts predict Israel will begin capturing Iranians with hooks lowered from planes as early as this summer.

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