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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama: No Option Off The Table Except Snatching Iran's Leaders With Hook Lowered From Plane And Flying Them To Washington

WASHINGTON—A resolute President Obama warned Tuesday that if Iran remained unwilling to halt its nuclear program, the United States would consider any and all options at its disposal short of whisking away the Islamic republic's leaders using a hook lowered from an airplane. "We are dealing with a grave threat and we will not hesitate to use any available recourse, with the exception of flying one of our stealth fighter jets into the heart of Tehran, having the pilot shoot some sort of grappling device 500 feet to the ground, dragging the steel hook in such a way that it remains inconspicuous, and then suddenly snatching up key officials when they least expect it," said Obama, adding that diplomatic pressure, economic sanctions, and military force were still on the table, given that those options did not involve using a curved metal implement at the end of a long retractable cable to ensnare members of the ruling Guardian Council. "Our message to Iran's leaders is clear: If you do not choose peace, we will take whatever steps are necessary aside from swooping in, snagging the back of your shirt collar with the tip of a large hook, and then flying you across the ocean to be our prisoners." Regardless of U.S. policy, many experts predict Israel will begin capturing Iranians with hooks lowered from planes as early as this summer.

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