adBlockCheck

Obama Not Sure How To Tell Nation This, But He Ran Over Jimmy Carter With Car Last Night

Top Headlines

Politics

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obama Not Sure How To Tell Nation This, But He Ran Over Jimmy Carter With Car Last Night

The president informs the nation of Jimmy Carter’s death, and apologizes for not having looked to his left before turning.
The president informs the nation of Jimmy Carter’s death, and apologizes for not having looked to his left before turning.

WASHINGTON—Sighing and shaking his head, a shaken and deeply saddened President Obama appeared before the nation Tuesday to deliver the news that he had struck and killed former president Jimmy Carter with his car while driving through downtown Washington last night.

“My fellow Americans, I don’t quite know how to tell you this,” a visibly somber Obama said during the impromptu press conference. “But last night I was out driving, and, um, [heavy sigh], I might as well just say it because I need to hear my voice say it: I ran over the nation’s 39th president, Jimmy Carter.”

“And, well, he’s dead,” Obama continued. “Jimmy Carter is dead.”

According to Obama, he was driving through the intersection at Pennsylvania Avenue and 19th Street when Carter “came out of nowhere.” Saying that it all happened so fast, the president told reporters that he saw something appear in front of him and then he heard a loud thump as if he had hit a deer.

Obama reportedly remembered that there was a split second when he thought he saw Jimmy Carter’s face bounce off his windshield, but figured there was no way it could have been the former president of the United States. When he turned over the body to inspect it, however, he identified it as the Nobel Peace Prize winner and former Georgia peanut farmer.

Obama said he wished he could be addressing the nation under different circumstances, and admitted that he is currently experiencing a severe case of shock.

“I had the light, but I could have been paying better attention,” Obama said, a tear streaking down his face. “And that’s what kills me, you know? This was my fault. It was an accident but it was my fault. You take your eye off the road for a second, and…bam, you hit Jimmy Carter with your car. I’m actually sort of numb right now. Jimmy Carter is gone and I am the one responsible.”

“Why exactly President Carter was even carrying two bags of groceries in downtown Washington, D.C. when he lives in Georgia, I have no idea,” the president went on to say. “And why he was buying groceries at 2 a.m. we’ll never know. And perhaps I should stop going on my late-night drives to clear my head. But none of that matters now. I’m sorry about this. I am so, so sorry. Goddammit!”

The president went on to extend his sincerest apologies to former first lady Rosalynn Carter, saying that he would do anything to help in what he is sure must be a difficult time.

Breaking down further and deviating from his prepared remarks, Obama told the country that if he could sign a bill that would bring Jimmy Carter back to life, he would. The president then noted that when you’re 88 years old the body just isn’t well equipped to handle blunt-force trauma, especially from a car going 40 mph.

Gripping the podium with both hands, Obama then stared down at the ground, began breathing heavily, looked back into the camera as if he was about to continue speaking, and then started dry heaving.

“I would have done anything—anything—to keep that man alive!” Obama said. “He looked up at me right before the very end. I’m not sure whether he realized it was me, or if at that moment he was thinking about—of all the people to hit him with a car—how strangely ironic and weird and bizarre that the president of the United States had hit him. I don’t know whether or not he was of sound mind to think about how he, too, had been president, and how there have only been 44 presidents, and how we usually travel by motorcade, and how this probably should have been avoided from an operational and statistical standpoint. But when he looked at me, there was no hate in his eyes.”

“He looked very peaceful,” Obama continued. “And then he just drifted away.”

James Earl “Jimmy” Carter Jr. was born Oct. 1, 1924 in Plains, Georgia. He was one of four children born to James Earl Carter and Bessie Lillian Gordy. He is survived by his wife, his brother “Billy,” three sons, three granddaughters, and two great-grandsons. He brokered the Camp David Accords in 1978, and is the only U.S. president whose death has been caused by the sitting president.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close