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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Obama Now Attempting To Get Each Word Of Jobs Bill Passed Individually

WASHINGTON—Following two months of frustrated efforts to push his American Jobs Act through Congress, President Obama announced Monday he was now attempting to have each word of the bill passed individually. "This is a truly vital piece of legislation that needs to be approved in a bipartisan manner as swiftly as possible, and if that means passing it one single linguistic element at a time, then so be it," the president told reporters, claiming he and Republican lawmakers had already agreed on several synonyms that could be substituted for various controversial modifiers. We just had a major breakthrough with the third appearance of the word 'it' earlier today, and we all were surprised to find common ground on 'that.' But I must caution Americans that we still have hundreds of key multisyllabic words to get through." At press time, Congress was reported to be hopelessly deadlocked on the word "taxes."

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