Obama Now Attempting To Get Each Word Of Jobs Bill Passed Individually

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 45

Previously On

ABC 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST This week’s Previously On gets you all caught up on what happened last week, just as it did last week, and the week before. And what was that? Tune in tonight (or next week) to find out!

House Hunters International

HGTV 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST A mother-daughter duo go all in for larger caliber rifles after seeing a three-story Victorian.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Late Night

Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Obama Now Attempting To Get Each Word Of Jobs Bill Passed Individually

WASHINGTON—Following two months of frustrated efforts to push his American Jobs Act through Congress, President Obama announced Monday he was now attempting to have each word of the bill passed individually. "This is a truly vital piece of legislation that needs to be approved in a bipartisan manner as swiftly as possible, and if that means passing it one single linguistic element at a time, then so be it," the president told reporters, claiming he and Republican lawmakers had already agreed on several synonyms that could be substituted for various controversial modifiers. We just had a major breakthrough with the third appearance of the word 'it' earlier today, and we all were surprised to find common ground on 'that.' But I must caution Americans that we still have hundreds of key multisyllabic words to get through." At press time, Congress was reported to be hopelessly deadlocked on the word "taxes."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More