adBlockCheck

Obama Paranoid Government Coming For His Guns

Top Headlines

Politics

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know

How Trump Plans To Turn His Campaign Around

As Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to fall, many wonder how the GOP presidential nominee can turn his campaign around before Election Day. Here are some ways Trump aims to regain his footing

‘Why Can I Never Seem To Say The Right Thing?’ Weeps Trump Into Pillow

NEW YORK—Quickly running into his bedroom and slamming the door behind him after hearing public criticism of the statements he made regarding the family of a fallen Muslim-American U.S. Army captain, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly threw himself on his bed Tuesday and asked himself “Why can I never seem to say the right thing?” while weeping into his pillow.

Trump Campaign Ponders Going Negative

NEW YORK—Saying they weren’t afraid to take the gloves off for the general election if need be, the campaign team for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly considered the possibility Monday of pivoting their strategy and going negative.

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Obama Paranoid Government Coming For His Guns

President Barack Obama says the federal government is trying to destroy the Second Amendment.
President Barack Obama says the federal government is trying to destroy the Second Amendment.

WASHINGTON—Reflecting attitudes held throughout his personal and political life, President Barack Obama restated Thursday his long-standing fear that the U.S. government is even now putting measures in place to take his guns away.

Obama, an avid gun enthusiast with an extensive history of mistrusting the federal government, claimed Washington's actions in recent years have been particularly egregious and described its "rabid anti-gun zealotry" as "some real sinister, Nazi-type shit."

"The thing for damn sure is you can't trust 'em," Obama told reporters Thursday morning, cradling a .22-caliber bolt-action hunting rifle in his arms. "No matter how hard you work or how many taxes you pay, the goddamn government's sure as shit gonna pass some law or officiate some warrant to try and take your guns. Because when the people don't have any guns, that's when they take control."

"Just like in England," the president added. "They took away all the guns there, and now they have video cameras all over the place to spy on everybody. You think America wouldn't do that if they could?"

According to President Obama, the U.S. government has for years made a concerted effort to "destroy the Second Amendment of the damned Constitution, for God's sake," while silencing the voices of gun owners such as himself who merely wish to retain the ability to protect their home and family.

"It's a slippery slope, I'm telling you—it starts with an assault weapons ban, which is a total crock, and then they use that to get their foot in the door to take away shotguns and rifles, too," said the president, adding that he keeps an assortment of handguns locked in a safe in the White House basement in case of "emergencies." "We're talking about an all-out war on our right to keep and bear arms: global gun databases, secret watch lists, bullet serialization, microstamping. It is my constitutional right to own these firearms, okay? And they can't wrench that right away from me."

"What if somebody breaks into the White House tonight?" Obama continued. "Hell, I got a prerogative to protect my wife and kids."

Seemingly obsessed with security, Obama has reportedly used the heavily fortified Oval Office as a 'lair' for most of his first term, eating and sleeping within its gun-racked walls and exiting only for necessary state business. In such cases, Obama told reporters, he will not leave without an array of concealed weapons on his person.

Beltway sources said a rifle-armed figure resembling Obama has also been seen patrolling the White House roof in recent years, wearing what appears to be forest-camouflage cargo pants, mirrored aviator sunglasses, and a sleeveless black "POW/MIA" T-shirt.

"When the shit goes down, man, the militia is all you can rely on," said Obama, who sources confirmed has formed a loose affiliation of local gun owners that meets on weekends to conduct what they call "training exercises" in the Rose Garden. "And believe me, the shit will go down. There is a war coming. And it's coming quick. And you just better hope that when it does go down you're not caught on the wrong side of that line, brother, because I will not hesitate to defend what I hold dear."

At press time, a user named "potus_44" posted a message on an NRA message board that read: "rite to own guns only thing btwn tyrany and freedom. atf w/ fbi trying 2 control us, just like Brits in Rev War. fate of nation hangs in balance."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close