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Obama Paranoid Government Coming For His Guns

President Barack Obama says the federal government is trying to destroy the Second Amendment.
President Barack Obama says the federal government is trying to destroy the Second Amendment.

WASHINGTON—Reflecting attitudes held throughout his personal and political life, President Barack Obama restated Thursday his long-standing fear that the U.S. government is even now putting measures in place to take his guns away.

Obama, an avid gun enthusiast with an extensive history of mistrusting the federal government, claimed Washington's actions in recent years have been particularly egregious and described its "rabid anti-gun zealotry" as "some real sinister, Nazi-type shit."

"The thing for damn sure is you can't trust 'em," Obama told reporters Thursday morning, cradling a .22-caliber bolt-action hunting rifle in his arms. "No matter how hard you work or how many taxes you pay, the goddamn government's sure as shit gonna pass some law or officiate some warrant to try and take your guns. Because when the people don't have any guns, that's when they take control."

"Just like in England," the president added. "They took away all the guns there, and now they have video cameras all over the place to spy on everybody. You think America wouldn't do that if they could?"

According to President Obama, the U.S. government has for years made a concerted effort to "destroy the Second Amendment of the damned Constitution, for God's sake," while silencing the voices of gun owners such as himself who merely wish to retain the ability to protect their home and family.

"It's a slippery slope, I'm telling you—it starts with an assault weapons ban, which is a total crock, and then they use that to get their foot in the door to take away shotguns and rifles, too," said the president, adding that he keeps an assortment of handguns locked in a safe in the White House basement in case of "emergencies." "We're talking about an all-out war on our right to keep and bear arms: global gun databases, secret watch lists, bullet serialization, microstamping. It is my constitutional right to own these firearms, okay? And they can't wrench that right away from me."

"What if somebody breaks into the White House tonight?" Obama continued. "Hell, I got a prerogative to protect my wife and kids."

Seemingly obsessed with security, Obama has reportedly used the heavily fortified Oval Office as a 'lair' for most of his first term, eating and sleeping within its gun-racked walls and exiting only for necessary state business. In such cases, Obama told reporters, he will not leave without an array of concealed weapons on his person.

Beltway sources said a rifle-armed figure resembling Obama has also been seen patrolling the White House roof in recent years, wearing what appears to be forest-camouflage cargo pants, mirrored aviator sunglasses, and a sleeveless black "POW/MIA" T-shirt.

"When the shit goes down, man, the militia is all you can rely on," said Obama, who sources confirmed has formed a loose affiliation of local gun owners that meets on weekends to conduct what they call "training exercises" in the Rose Garden. "And believe me, the shit will go down. There is a war coming. And it's coming quick. And you just better hope that when it does go down you're not caught on the wrong side of that line, brother, because I will not hesitate to defend what I hold dear."

At press time, a user named "potus_44" posted a message on an NRA message board that read: "rite to own guns only thing btwn tyrany and freedom. atf w/ fbi trying 2 control us, just like Brits in Rev War. fate of nation hangs in balance."

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