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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Peddling Stimulus Package Door-To-Door

HUTCHINSON, KS—In an effort to build support for his controversial economic recovery plan, President Obama set out across the country in a rented car Monday to peddle the $787 billion bailout door-to-door, administration sources reported. "Ma'am, if you'd permit me just a moment of your time, I'd like to talk to you today about a honey of a new stimulus package that's just arrived all the way from Washington, D.C.," the grinning president said in a front-porch sales pitch to local housewife Marilyn Fields, 49. "Why, yes, ma'am, this package here has got everything. It's handy, it's dandy, it's built to last, and if you can find a better plan for reviving our nation's stagnant economy this side of the Mississippi, then my name ain't Barack Hussein Obama." The president added that if the nation acts now, he'll throw in a "brand-new, state-of-the-art" farm subsidies bill, plus a four-year warranty and unlimited congressional oversight, absolutely free.

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