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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Peddling Stimulus Package Door-To-Door

HUTCHINSON, KS—In an effort to build support for his controversial economic recovery plan, President Obama set out across the country in a rented car Monday to peddle the $787 billion bailout door-to-door, administration sources reported. "Ma'am, if you'd permit me just a moment of your time, I'd like to talk to you today about a honey of a new stimulus package that's just arrived all the way from Washington, D.C.," the grinning president said in a front-porch sales pitch to local housewife Marilyn Fields, 49. "Why, yes, ma'am, this package here has got everything. It's handy, it's dandy, it's built to last, and if you can find a better plan for reviving our nation's stagnant economy this side of the Mississippi, then my name ain't Barack Hussein Obama." The president added that if the nation acts now, he'll throw in a "brand-new, state-of-the-art" farm subsidies bill, plus a four-year warranty and unlimited congressional oversight, absolutely free.

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