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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Obama Pledges To Repeal Health Care Law If Reelected

WASHINGTON—Calling it a "poorly conceived and irresponsible piece of legislation, pure and simple," President Obama made a public pledge to voters Tuesday that, if reelected, he would fight to repeal the recently upheld Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.

In an address to the nation broadcast live from the White House, the president promised voters in sharp, forceful terms that the very first act of his second term would be to "strike down this unjust and unconstitutional law," which he said would place "an unacceptable burden on hardworking Americans."

"Citizens going to the polls in November should know that if they reelect me, they will not have to face the consequences of this bloated, oppressive act," said Obama, who called the legislation a "906-page monstrosity." "This law isn't merely an attack on our current health care system. It's an attack on our core values and what it means to be an American. And mark my words, an Obama administration will support those values, not destroy them."

"Frankly, this toxic plan is just another needless tax to pay—nothing more, nothing less," Obama continued. "It's harmful and it's wrong and I won't stand for it."

Blasting members of Congress for "voting to vastly overstep government authority," Obama said that under his leadership the federal government would not "reach into the pockets of honest taxpayers" to pay for the extension of health care benefits enacted by the legislation.

Obama added that if the plan goes into effect, it is "100 percent guaranteed" to bankrupt the United States within 10 years.

Proponents of the health care act have yet to respond to the president's numerous criticisms of the law, which he claimed would increase insurance premiums and force every American to receive subpar medical treatment.

"I'm going to say it in plain English: I will not let Obamacare stunt job growth, drive up the cost of health care, and cripple our economy—I simply won't let it happen," the president said. "Come November, should I be reelected, it will be my great pleasure to walk into the Oval Office, take my pen in hand, and sign a big 'adios' repealing this grave threat to our country's future."

Added Obama, "That is a promise you can take to the voting booth."

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