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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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Obama Praises Own Strength, Resilience In Face Of Hardship During State Of The Union

WASHINGTON—Recounting in detail the numerous struggles and tribulations of the past seven years, an impassioned President Obama loftily praised his own strength and resilience in the face of adversity Tuesday evening during his final State of the Union address. “In my two terms in office, this country has faced unprecedented challenges both at home and abroad, but if there is one constant amid this turmoil, if there’s one truth we can all hold onto, it’s that through it all I have remained steadfast and resolute—my perseverance never ceases to amaze me,” said Obama, his voice swelling with pride and conviction as he noted how, time and again, he has withstood every attack or heartache that has befallen him. “From the BP oil spill, to gun violence, to ISIS—I have met every hardship with the deepest resolve. Consider how truly inspiring that is. It is a testament to my incredible determination. My fellow Americans, these are trying times, but knowing what I know about me, about the type of good person I am, there is no doubt in my mind that I will get through whatever I encounter and emerge stronger on the other side.” Obama added that it was precisely this indomitable spirit that made America great.

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