adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
End Of Section
  • More News

Black Man Does 8 Years

GO TO FEATURE

Obama Proposes Tax Increase On Meanest 2% Of Population

WASHINGTON—In the latest administration initiative meant to reassure citizens nervous about the slow pace of economic recovery, President Obama proposed a tax hike this week for the shittiest, most self-absorbed 2 percent of Americans. "In challenging times like this, I believe it is only fair that our country's hugest jerks should bear the largest share of the tax burden," Obama said of the increase that will reportedly affect those who cut people off in traffic as well as those who point and laugh when they see someone fall down. "Hopefully, this proposal will serve as a wake-up call to people who behave in ways that are totally uncool yet who never seem to pay a price for it." The increase has been widely criticized by Rep. Darrell Issa (R-CA) as well as an estimated 97 percent of the nation's wealthiest citizens.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close